Walker selected in fourth and seventh rounds of draft

NEW YORK CITY, NY — More than twenty years has passed since Herschel Walker was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys in the fifth round of the 1985 NFL Draft. But now, with the curtain officially closed on the latest edition of the draft, not one but two teams have given Walker, now 46, the chance to become the player many thought he would be when he arrived on the scene twenty-three years ago.

“From the moment he declared himself eligible, I knew he would go somewhere, and I just have this feeling he’ll pan out this time. I had Herschel listed high on my big board back in 1985 and, since then, not much has changed,” ESPN draft expert Mel Kiper Jr. told SSNN. “This is still a big, tough kid who is capable of contributing at the next level, although he’s a little withered and geriatric by now. Guys like Darren McFadden and Jonathan Stewart have all the measurables, but neither of them posses this kid’s versatility. He is a selection that could really stick with a franchise – or two – for a long time. Speaking of ’stick’ – do you have any mousse on you? Mortensen’s been messing with my hair all fucking day.”

Like Kiper, many of the draft experts around the country projected Walker to be a mid-to-late round selection – as a running back or linebacker. In fact, some NFL scouts see Walker able to play both sides of the football, a feat rarely attempted in the NFL in recent years, due to his enviable blend of size, speed and multiple personality disorder.

“We’ve been tracking this guy for quite some time now, and we really like what he brings to the table. Our organization thinks he can be a future star in the league for a number of teams – on offense, defense, or even both at the same time,” one scout said, prior to the draft. “Herschel’s really got the mentality of a running back, but then he’s also got a perfect personality to be a linebacker. He’s a uniquely intriguing prospect.”

After being overlooked – presumably in favor of much younger players – Walker was selected by the Cleveland Browns with the 122^nd pick overall, to provide RB Jamal Lewis with an experienced backup. Later, the New England Patriots selected Walker in the seventh round at pick number 238. Patriots head coach Bill Belichick later told SSNN that Walker would be relied upon to provide immediate relief to an aging corps of linebackers that Belichick says cost his team a Super Bowl victory.

Surprisingly, neither organization commented on this historical mix-up. Instead, both Belichick and his former assistant – Browns head coach Romeo Crennel – opted to commend one another on his draft diligence and discuss the coincidence of drafting a player by the same name.

“I have to give it to the Cleveland Browns. Romeo and his guys got one hell of a player in that Hershcel Walker kid. It’s obvious he and his staff did their research,” Belichick told SSNN, shortly after the draft came to a close. “I’ve been hearing a lot of good things about our Herschel, so you can imagine how thrilled I am that he fell into our laps. It will be nice to have someone take the reins from players like [Junior] Seau and [Tedy] Bruschi at linebacker once they retire. But I have to say, it will be weird when we play the Browns in October. How often do you play a team that has a player with the same name as one of your very own?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!