Tour de France to have “juicer” and “non-juicer” fields

PARIS, FRANCE — The Tour de France is the world’s most famous cycling event. Covering more than three weeks and 1,800 miles, the event is brutal on both the body and the psyche. As such, doping has been an ongoing controversy at the event for years.

This year, however, Tour officials have found a way to level the playing field, so to speak. For the first time ever, there will be two fields for riders to enter: a “juicer” division, and a “non-juicer” division.

The Tour de France began in 1903, and since it’s inception riders have been trying to gain a competitive advantage. In the early years of the event, cyclists dulled their pain with ether, cocaine or nitroglycerin. Later on, much more powerful and difficult to detect drugs would be used, such as EPO.

However, in the last few years, the tone of the Tour had changed to the point that even suspected users were banned from riding in the event. It all culminated in last year’s event, when no fewer than seven riders and two entire teams did not finish the race because of positive tests or direct links to doping.

Sponsors were pulling out, and the sport was at a crossroads. So the decision was made to create two divisions – one for dopers, and one for non-dopers.

“Obviously, the Tour will never be what it once was. It has been permanently infiltrated by riders who use drugs,” admitted Tour director Christian Prudhomme. “So we thought that this would be the best way to maintain the integrity of the event for the rest of the riders.”

Critics, specifically in America, have been quick to denounce Prudhomme’s decision. According to an informal SSNN poll, nine of America’s ten cycling fans say he is a quitter, and that French cycling officials have turned and run from the problem.

“What can I say to that? Maybe they are right,” said Prudhomme. “But the French don’t really like dealing with these type of problems. If the Americans are so concerned with it, they can come help us. But we see nothing wrong with simply giving in to the problem.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!