Tigers distracted by ring sizing, party planning

BOSTON, MA — The Detroit Tigers’ 1-8 start to the 2008 baseball season has left many experts scratching their heads. The Tigers finished last season with a record of 88-74, and after the off-season acquisitions of pitcher Dontrelle Willis, and infielders Miguel Cabrera and Edgar Renteria, the club was one of the favorites to win the World Series.

Many analysts have blamed injuries, others have blamed the bullpen, and manager Jim Leyland has grumbled about team chemistry through clouds of cigarette smoke. But the Tigers themselves have the real explanation.

“We simply got carried away with all the hype,” said first baseman Carlos Guillen. “So many people said we were going to be the World Series champions this year, and we believed them.”

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Guillen went on to say that the team spent much of spring training being fitted for World Series rings and planning parties and parades to celebrate the championship they were destined to win. Many of them were shocked when the rest of the American League refused to simply let them win.

“We were like, ‘What’s this?’” Guillen explained. “I mean, the Royals come in and they played hard, almost like they didn’t know who we were.”

“I totally forgot I sucked last year,” said Willis. “People were like, ‘We got Dontrelle Willis, we’re going to win.’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, you got me, we’re going to win.’ So instead of, you know, doing the things in spring training that would make sure I didn’t go 10-15 again, I was out ordering playoff tickets for the fam, sketching ring designs, that sort of thing.”

The Tigers now say they have learned their lessons, and it’s going to be all business for the rest of the season.

“We’re going to quit thinking about our imminent championship and just concentrate of playing good baseball,” said Cabrera. “When we get to .500, then we can probably relax and just let our natural awesomeness take over. Then we can get back to the important business of planning our celebration.”