Tiger admits being intimidated by self on Masters Sunday

AUGUSTA, GA — Sunday at the Masters is usually a place where Tiger Woods thrives. With four Masters titles already under his belt and a bulldog demeanor that frightens even his staunchest competition, Tiger seemed poised to erase the six-stroke deficit that separated him and the anonymous Trevor Immelman on Sunday.

But it was not to be.

In a move completely out of character for the world’s first-ranked golfer, Tiger failed to capitalize on his competitors mistakes by continually missing putts and shanking drives so horribly that one Budweiser-guzzling spectator noted that he looked “more rattled than a guy caught taking a crap at a party.”

‘Rattled’ and ‘Tiger’ are two words that have never been uttered together during Wood’s 12-year professional career, but when asked about it after his round, Tiger admitted as much.

“Rattled, flustered, scared shit-less, whatever you want to call it,” a defeated Woods said. “I was feeling it.”

It was suggested to him that maybe the tremendous pressure placed on him to win the Grand Slam was the cause of his jitters, but Tiger quickly shot down that notion.

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“Absolutely not. I’ve dealt with that kind of stuff my entire career, and it doesn’t bother me at all,” Woods claimed. He then lowered his head, took off his signature Nike cap and in a barely audible tone continued, “I’ll be honest with you guys here, and this is going to sound a little weird… but I think I was intimidated by myself.

“I was feeling great through the first three holes, but on the fourth tee box, strange shit started happening,” Tiger explained. “I was lining up my shot, when all of a sudden I heard this low, guttural growling noise. Like a jungle cat stalking its prey, or something. I was pissed off at first, until I realized that the growling was coming from me.”

Confused and alarmed, Tiger put his shot into the woods, resulting in his first bogey of the round. It only got worse from there.

“I heard the growling, but at first I just figured it was his way of getting himself fired up,” caddy Steve Williams recounted. After several holes of this behavior, however, Williams began to suspect that maybe Woods wasn’t doing it on purpose. “We were on the green at six, and he came up to me with this frightened look in his eyes and whispered in my ear, ‘I’m scared Stevie. I’m scared of myself.’ That really freaked me out.”

The spontaneous growling continued until Woods reached the turn, at which point the internal intimidation took on a new form.

“Everyone was really struggling out there with the wind and all, and we were talking about now being the perfect time to make our move. Tiger was saying something about the pin placement, when all of a sudden his voiced lowered considerably and I heard him grunt ‘I’m coming for you Eldrick, you pussy,’” Williams told SSNN. “You should have seen the look on his face, man. I knew right then that he was completely psyched out.”

“I tried to ignore it, but every time I would glance at the scoreboard, or go to make an important putt, the voice would say something to me,” a still-shaken Tiger said. “It was worse than playing with Jordan after he’s had a few too many.”

“I can’t really repeat what was coming out of his mouth, but I know that the words ‘bitch’ and ’sissy girl’ were repeated frequently. And he kept calling himself Eldrick,” said Williams. “I didn’t even care about winning at that point, I just wanted to get us the hell off that course.”

While Woods ended the tournament in sole possession of second place, the 2008 Masters will forever be remembered as the day that mighty Tiger was finally intimidated on a golf course – by himself.

“I always knew I was a scary opponent, but man! I had no idea just how frightening it is to have Tiger in your head all day long,” Woods said as he shakily lit a cigarette and took a big drag. “I hope to God that I never have to deal with that, ever again.”