Reds, cult suicidal after Cueto loss

CINCINNATI, OH — After striking out 18 batters and walking none in his first two big league starts, there were many who thought that Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto might be the pitching messiah Cincinnati has been looking for.

The supporting miracles during his first week in the majors included pitching 13.1 innings, giving up only three earned runs, beating the Arizona Diamondbacks, walking across the Ohio River and healing several sick and crippled local residents.

Now though, it appears that the rookie is just another mortal. In his April 13 start against the Pirates, Cueto pitched six innings, giving up five runs and taking the loss. The performance has many local cultists and Reds management distraught.

“We thought he was really the one,” said local cult leader Robert Kelly. “We don’t know what to do now. We’re just really lost.”

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Reds manager Dusty Baker shared Kelly’s sentiments. “How can you be the representation of God on Earth if you lose to the Pirates? I mean, if he had lost to the Red Sox, that might be a little more understandable.”

Kelly reports that his cult has contemplated mass suicide in wake of the loss.

“What else is there for us to live for?” he asked. “We’ve been down this road so many times now – it appears the messiah will never appear.”

When asked whether Cueto’s performances may have been overblown, both Kelly and Baker were indignant.

“I mean really, how can something like that be overhyped?” Baker said. “I mean, Tim Kurkjian nearly pissed on himself talking about Johnny’s first start, and he only does that over the really important things.”

Cueto had no comment on the hoopla surrounding his first three major league starts. He was last seen drowning in the Ohio River.