Raiders have special plans for McFadden

OAKLAND, CA — The Miami Dolphins surprised everyone Wednesday when they announced that the organization had come to terms with Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long, preemptively making the All-American the first overall pick in this weekend’s NFL draft. Now, SSNN has learned, the Oakland Raiders are busy conjuring some pre-draft scenarios of their own.

For months now, experts across the country have predicted that the Raiders will take Darren McFadden with the fourth pick, and no one within the organization has refuted the speculation – not even fickle owner Al Davis. In fact, the Raiders are so certain the Atlanta Falcons will draft defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey with the third pick, that they have publicly – though unofficially – announced their plans to pick the Arkansas running back.

“With the fourth overall pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders will select Darren Mc Fadden – there, now everyone knows,” Davis announced to a gathering of media members. “If that fat-ass Bill Parcells can pick Jake Long before the draft even starts, then we’re going to take ‘Run DMC.’ We are very anxious to get that young man into camp – I’m ready for another troubled, fallen star.”

Head coach Lane Kiffin, who has openly praised McFadden, said the organization is extremely taken with the 20-year-old’s “noticeable lack of character” – a flaw that has caused many other teams to think twice about selecting the two-time Heisman Trophy runner-up – but still has concerns about Mc Fadden’s “questionable physical tools.”

“Darren’s sketchy personal life and propensity for trouble fit the mold of our storied organization here in Oakland. He’ll have absolutely no problem adjusting in that regard,” Kiffin told SSNN. “What we’re concerned about is his strength, quickness, toughness – things like that. Once Darren is officially under contract, we intend on entering him in the 133^rd running of the Kentucky Derby on May 3. This may come as a shock, but the Raiders – more specifically Mr. Davis – see no better way to gauge Darren’s NFL skills than to put him front and center in one of sports’ greatest competitions.”

Neither Davis nor Kiffin seemed worried about the dangers of having their top draft pick run in soft dirt against gigantic, muscle-bound horses that could trample him and hardly notice. Instead, the Raiders’ brass challenged their soon-to-be star to “show and prove” by taking his game to a new level.

“I keep hearing how Darren stole the show at the Combine, with a sub-4.3 time in the forty-yard dash,” Davis said. “That means nothing to me. Show me that you can hold your own against a bunch of race-tested thoroughbreds, and then I’ll be impressed.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!