P&G to sign Ronaldinho as spokesperson

CINCINNATI, OH — After experiencing sluggish company-wide numbers throughout the first quarter of the fiscal year, the Board of Directors at manufacturing giant Procter & Gamble has been feverishly searching for the right celebrity face to spearhead a new advertising campaign for its Crest Toothpaste brand.

Board Chairman Bruce Byrnes told SSNN that, as of Sunday, board members have unanimously agreed to name Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho the international spokesperson for Crest, a move they believe will not only dramatically boost revenue but create a much-needed nationwide awareness of the leading cause of tooth decay – gingivitis.

“We at Procter & Gamble can’t even begin to express our excitement over today’s announcement,” Byrnes said. “It’s tremendously exciting to bring one of the world’s premiere athletes aboard. Ronaldinho possesses the international star quality we look for in the subjects who promote our many brands, and we think his tragically distorted teeth will serve as a constant reminder of the importance of maintaining healthy teeth and gums.”

The company’s advertising team has worked up a two-pronged marketing plan surrounding their new spokesperson. According to Eric Stenzor, an advertising executive overseeing the Crest brand, the signing of Ronaldinho kills two birds with one stone.

“Ronaldinho is just as well-known for his mangled grill as he is for his eye-popping skills on the playing field. Obviously we’ll use his international stardom and almost unprecedented soccer talent to help bring Crest into markets it has never before penetrated,” Stenzor explained. “But once we’re in those markets, our approach will be to focus on his horrid oral disfigurement. The underlying message is ‘if you fail to brush regularly, you will end up with a mouthful of disgusting corn kernel-like teeth, and no one will like you.’

“Unless you’re a soccer star, but that kind of talent is like one in a million, so seriously – it’s better to just brush and floss.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!