Peavy vehemently denies using foreign substance, attributes performance to steroids

SAN DIEGO, CA — Despite photographic evidence of a grimy substance on his right hand, San Diego Padres right-hander Jake Peavy denied allegations that he used any kind of foreign substance during recent performances, insisting that his strong outings are a result of steroid use.

“Frankly I resent these attacks on my honesty and credibility,” Peavy says, “Why won’t people believe me when I say that I’ve been boosting my pitching performance for the past several years with the use of illegal and highly dangerous steroids? You guys have no idea how trapped you feel when you’ve been falsely accused of something like this.”

The Cy Young award winner went on to insist that he would never sully the game of baseball by violating its rules about foreign substances on the ball, for fear that he would “set a bad example for the kids.”

“Kids need to understand that cheaters never win. I could never imagine compromising my principles just for the sake of improving my performance on the field,” said the Padre’s ace, who claims to have had his buttocks injected with performance enhancing drugs several times over the last few years. “I’ll do whatever it takes to clear my name.”

For the sake of maintaining his good reputation, Peavy has offered to undergo several urine tests and examinations of his buttocks and genital regions. He has also fought to have close-up photos of his suspiciously grimy hand removed from several internet sites, claiming such photos invade his privacy.

“Having your genitals probed to prove that you are, in fact, a steroids user is one thing, but having people examining the contents of your hand? Man, that’s just weird.”

When asked to explain what the foreign substance on his hand in the photos was, however, Peavy bristled “It really bothers me that people would make an unprovoked allegation like that! Has it occurred to anyone that the substance could have been residue from a crack pipe I may have been using prior to the game? Or any number of other totally innocent things? People have no sense of trust these days!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!