Parents furious over Astros’ syringe giveaway promotion

HOUSTON, TX — An embarrassed Houston Astros front office issued a statement today apologizing for a promotion gone awry. The club gave away free syringes to the first 1,500 kids who walked through the gates for Monday night’s home opener against the St. Louis Cardinals.

The giveaway was designed to coincide with the home debut of newly acquired shortstop Miguel Tejada, whose name appears prominently in both the Mitchell Report and in the books of noted baseball scholar and steroid expert Jose Canseco.

“I am embarrassed by last night’s promotion,” Drayton McLane, the chairman and CEO of the Astros, told reporters. “It besmirches the good name of the Astros and Miguel Tejada. But off the record, it was pretty damn funny.”

Parents of the children who were given the free needles were not so amused. Janet Smith, whose 12-year-old son Tristan received one of the syringes, recalls last night’s events as frightening and terribly disturbing.

“We had just gotten to our seats and were settling in, when I noticed Tristan had this syringe in his hand. He was playing around with it, sort of testing it out,” a clearly shaken Smith told SSNN. “I said, ‘Tristan, how many times have I told you to stay out of Mommy’s purse?’ But he said a lady at the gate gave it to him, and that she was dressed in Astros gear. Naturally, I blew a gasket. We can’t have this sort of thing around our children. “

McLane said that senior director of marketing Jennifer Randall had already been fired over the incident, and that more terminations would likely follow. “Mostly because it’s what’s expected, not because I think it’s right. I don’t care if Tejada or anybody else is injecting all day long, but a good joke is just priceless. No one should lose their job over it.”

Randall said in a statement that her termination was “just ridiculous”, and that she has consulted with lawyers to consider a wrongful termination suit. “It wasn’t like those needles were loaded or anything. And they were almost all brand new.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!