Padres GM furious with MLB ruling

SAN DIEGO, CA — Still reeling – both physically and emotionally – from their epic, 22-inning loss to the Colorado Rockies last Thursday, the San Diego Padres are now trying to come to grips with a baffling MLB ruling that was no doubt inspired by the 6 hour, 16 minute affair that concluded in the wee hours Friday morning.

According to the new rule set forth by Commissioner Bud Selig, teams would be handed additional losses or wins – or fractions of either – as dictated by how many innings are completed beyond the standard nine.

Sources within the San Diego Padres organization tell SSNN that General Manager Kevin Towers spent a majority of his Monday morning constructing an appeal to the ruling, which has left his team with 2.45 losses as a result of the Apr. 17 contest.

“Speaking for the entire organization, I must say this new ruling handed down by Mr. Selig is completely preposterous, historically idiotic and resembles the logic of a white-tailed African tree monkey on crack; in other words, there is no logic,” said Towers, who – oddly enough – staunchly supported Selig in the commissioner’s decision to put a premature end to the 2002 All-Star Game. “Being the voice and face of this great organization, I have never shied away from proclaiming our team’s values and, to this end, have subsequently agreed with Mr. Selig on many an issue. But he definitely missed the boat this time – we deserve at least three losses for that despicable performance against the Rockies. Seriously… one run in 22 innings?”

Towers stands as the lone GM in the league to even partially embrace Selig’s decision, which did not need a majority vote amongst team owners in order to become official. In fact, he went so far as to say he believes the new amendment could use some tinkering, an idea that is sure to draw the ire of an increasing number of general managers across baseball.

“I’d like to see MLB do away with the whole decimal point system. How muddled is that going to be come playoff hunt time?” asked Towers, whose Padres figure to be at the forefront of a closely contested battle for the NL West division crown. “Let’s assume for a minute that come September we have 90.4 wins, and the D’Backs have 93.9, but with one game in hand. How does that work? Does that mean that my team has to win some 32-inning, ten-hour marathon, instead of, say, a 27-inning game, just to pull even?

“I’d rather round down or round up to whole numbers to save the confusion. I know that many of my peers in both leagues will vehemently contest my viewpoint on this, and I don’t give a damn. They’ll all see it my way when their teams have the chance to double – or even triple – the amount of wins possible on a crucial three-game road trip.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!