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News Item

Olympic torch dropped into San Francisco Bay

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In spite of protests and attempts to extinguish it, the Olympic torch had somehow survived its perilous trek across Europe and North America. That was before it reached San Francisco and security guard John Jenkins.

Jenkins, a 36-year-old, part-time security guard who worked at the warehouse where the torch was stored overnight, apparently dropped the torch into the San Francisco Bay on Tuesday night. As of press time, the torch had not been found.

“They told me not to take it out,” a chastened Jenkins told reporters. “But come on, it’s the Olympic torch. So I lit it, and that was cool. Then I took it out on the dock and started doing some Star Wars stuff with it. But it doesn’t handle like a light saber.”

It was at this point that Jenkins apparently dropped the torch in the water. “I started to go after it, but I can’t really swim. Plus, that’s like a six foot drop.”

International Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge said the event was a tragedy, but the games would go on. “The torch is really symbolic. We may have to rethink the whole concept of a torch relay in today’s times, but the games will go on anyway. If flagrant violations of human rights can’t stop them, there’s no way some Star Wars nerd will.”

Jenkins denied that he was drunk when the incident occurred, but did admit that he “may have smoked a little doobage.” Jenkins’ mother Valerie said she was not surprised.

“He’s always down in the basement, reenacting scenes from Star Wars and Lord of the Rings and smoking that marijuana,” a visibly disappointed Mrs. Jenkins told SSNN. “How else do you think you become a 36-year-old, part-time security guard?”

The Chinese government blamed the act on Tibetan separatists. When Jenkins was identified as the real culprit, Beijing officially labeled him a Tibetan separatist.

For his part, Jenkins denied being in any way associated with Tibet or the Dalai Lama. “I’m not even sure where Tibet is, dude. Is that in Central America?”

Jenkins said he expects to be terminated from his job sometime today, derailing his plans to get a one-bedroom apartment. “It’s either an apartment or weed; I don’t have enough savings for both. What are you gonna do, you know? I’d also like to apologize again for this whole thing. I’d also like to apologize to China for not being a Tibetan hypnotist or whatever.”

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Labels: Beijing, China, Jacques Rogge, marijuana, Olympic torch, Olympics, San Francisco, San Francisco Bay, Star Wars, Tibet

Posted on April 9th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

• Herschel Walker proud, resentful, confused, sleepy to carry Olympic torch (April 9, 2008)
• Demonstrator awarded gold medal by confused Olympics judges (April 11, 2008)
• Philly man briefly doubted Hamels was God (August 13, 2007)
• Dancing, singing added to 2008 Olympics (May 27, 2007)

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