Mock draft administrator clearly a virgin

NEW YORK, NY — With the 2008 NFL draft only hours away, many questions remain unanswered: who will be the highest quarterback drafted? Will any teams trade their first round picks away? With Jake Long secured as the top pick, who will be the second pick?

But NFL draft experts around the country are unanimous in their unwavering belief that Mike Detlillier, freelance draft administrator, has never had any kind of sexual contact with another human being. This overwhelming conclusion was reached when the 44-year-old revealed that he had spent the last three months mathematically analyzing the over 1,800 possible draft scenarios for the upcoming event – even going so far as to color coordinate teams with their draft order.

Detlillier first aroused suspicion that he had never before engaged in any kind of intercourse when he volunteered for the unpaid position of draft administrator. He spent months preparing for his new role – printing business cards, setting up a website, even purchasing a new wardrobe.

“The new blazer was the giveaway,” said All-American defensive end and probable top-five draftee Chris Long. “I mean, I haven’t bought a new suit since my sophomore year – and I’ve been on TV and stuff. I’m sorry, but that outfit just screamed ‘virgin.’”

When asked about his personal life, Detlillier says he’s too busy to date, but insists that he “totally likes girls, really” and adds that he’s had “so many chicks, because this NFL draft administrator thing is totally like a booty magnet.” He then offered a double thumbs-up gesture that fully confirmed he is, in fact, a virgin.

While the lack of coitus in Detlillier’s past is obvious, his future remains unclear. NFL analysts from around the country have been speculating on the odds of the 44-year-old shedding his virginity status and, generally, the prospects do not look promising. ESPN columnist and draft expert Mel Kiper, Jr. says that of the 1,951 possible virginity loss scenarios, the most likely is that Detlillier will remain in an untouched state until the day he dies.

“It’s sad, but let’s face it – that’s the way things usually go for guys like us— er, I mean, him,” Kiper told SSNN, offering a double thumbs-up.