MLB now using SurveyMonkey to conduct major rule changes

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Serious Sports News Network received word late Thursday that Major League Baseball has adopted a new and controversial method of reviewing proposed rule changes.

“We’ve basically decided that we’re gonna use SurveyMonkey.com to handle all issues that require a vote,” said Hank Steinbrenner, managing partner of the New York Yankees. “The way it works is that, when I see a series of rules that I think need to be changed, I’m going to create a survey on SurveyMonkey, and then I’ll email it out to all of the owners. They’ll have like 24 hours to respond, and then we’ll tally up the results, and I’ll send an email to Bud Selig telling him what we’re gonna do.”

Steinbrenner indicated that he came up with the idea last Thursday, after coming across SurveyMonkey while casually surfing the Internet.

“I was going on a lot of blogs, and just sort of scoping out what’s being written out there,” Steinbrenner said. “I came to one anti-Red Sox blog that was using SurveyMonkey.com to try and poll their readers on something. And I thought, ‘What a great idea, what if we did this for MLB?’ And so now we’re going to use it.”

Bud Selig, MLB commissioner, said at first he was a bit reluctant to use the new system, but he was quickly swayed.

“Look, initially I thought this was a bad idea for a few reasons,” Selig said. “First off, I don’t trust technology, so who knows if the results are accurate. Second, a couple of our teams – like the Marlins and the Royals – they don’t have any computers or internet access, so I was concerned that they couldn’t vote. But then Hank told me that they can just go to the local public library and vote, so that was fine with me.”

The results for the system have been swift by anyone’s standards, much less the plodding sense of progress that MLB normally exhibits.

“It’s going pretty well,” Steinbrenner said. “On the first vote, we put up three questions: First, should baseball have a luxury tax? Second, should baseball use an independent drug-testing agency? And finally, should Scott Boras be banned from baseball forever? Well, guess what. No more luxury tax, no independent drug testing, and adios, muchacho, to Señor Boras! We hardly knew ye!”

Selig said he has fielded “a couple of complaints” about the new plan, but not enough to sway him from rigidly abiding by the survey results.

“Look, this is America, this is democracy,” Selig said. “You’re going to tell me that because some whiner sends me a long email about how something is unfair, I’m going to overlook a survey where 17 different teams voted in favor of eliminating the luxury tax forever? What kind of commissioner would I be if I did that?”

Steinbrenner said he’s planning a second, much more aggressive survey, to take place next week. In that survey he plans on addressing all manner of issues, including whether Alex Rodriguez can wear a crown to bat, and whether the Red Sox should be forced to fly to the West Coast via Japan. However, he noted that he will be limiting his survey to ten questions, since that is the maximum allowed by SurveyMonkey without going to a premium subscription.

“The future is bright for baseball,” Steinbrenner said. “At least that’s what the results show.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!