MIT simulation finds Self, Jayhawks on short end of stick

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Kansas Jayhawks fans are presumably up-in-arms today, after published reports claim a group of researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have unanimously concluded that KU has “scientifically no chance in hell” of hoisting the National Championship trophy in San Antonio Monday night.

A source close to the MIT Statistical Research Department tells SSNN that a set of sophisticated and virtually error-proof simulation tests were run through the department’s supercomputer – nicknamed AABS, an acronym for Alliance Against Bill Self – in a calculated trial to see which team competing this weekend would stand the best chance against each of the other three if paired in a predetermined number of contests to crown a tournament winner.

The source says he shares the researchers’ surprise over the puzzling results, especially given the fact the tests were administered with unmistakable randomization and, therefore, immune to any biases.

“Even if one or two of these guys did cheer for one of the teams in the Final Four, the chances of them jeopardizing the integrity and validity of these simulations is slim to none,” the source explained. “These researchers are bona fide nerds; they don’t know the first thing about college basketball. They’re just a bunch of guys, who – besides being too smart for their own good – thought it would be fun to run a stupid experiment. But I did hear something about them slapping a butt-load of cash on the team that performed the best in the tests. As for me, being a University of Missouri fan and sworn enemy of everything Kansas, I am – needless to say – pleasantly surprised with the results.”

The band of twenty-something scientists entered the names of the tournament’s four remaining schools into what the source calls the computer’s “match-up maximizing module,” which randomly simulates each of the possible combinations for the championship game over 1,000 times apiece. Results revealed John Calipari’s Memphis Tigers to be the frontrunners, with a success rating of almost 51%, while North Carolina and UCLA finished second and third, respectively.

SSNN’s source says he has his share of suspicions as to why Kansas ended up in the rear, with a paltry rating of under four percent.

“The computer does not lie. Past NCAA Tournaments show Bill Self is incapable of winning big games. Please, they lost to Bucknell in the first round that one year,” the source states. “The computer has an accurate measure of coach-inspired tightness, and Kansas is off the charts.

“Sure, Kansas made it to the Final Four; but didn’t we all expect them to make it here? I’m afraid this is where the fun stops for all those Jayhawks fans. I’ll be surprised if they come within 50 points of UNC on Saturday. And to be truthful, the only reason why they got that 4% success rating is because one of the department’s idiotic graduate assistants decided it would be funny to enter Davidson in as one of the four teams in the simulation.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!