Mendenhall falls in draft after being blinded by Keyshawn Johnson’s outfit

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Saturday’s draft day was not what Rashard Mendenhall had expected.

The Illinois running back’s future – and career – are in question after he was severely blinded early Saturday morning, when he inadvertently made direct eye contact with Keyshawn Johnson’s outfit.

“We had Rashard going as high as number twelve on some boards,” said ESPN draft expert Mel Kiper, Jr. “However, due to the fact that he is at least temporarily blind and may never see again, we had to downgrade him to a late first-rounder. Frankly, he might have been a reach where he was selected [24^th by Pittsburgh].”

According to scientists and doctors who initially examined the situation, it was the unique outfit that Johnson wore that put many careers at risk.

“Keyshawn’s ensemble consisted of a pinstriped tan suit, a green and white checked shirt, a pink polka dot tie, and a paisley pocket square,” said Dr. John Davidson of New York University Medical Center, who examined Mendenhall. “The combination of colors and patterns created a reaction when mixed with natural light, and it produced such a strong and radiant energy that it was inadvisable for any human being to look at it directly. Unfortunately, Rashard did not get the memo – he was staring directly forward when Keyshawn crossed his path. The results were extraordinary, and frankly, extremely disturbing.”

Pittsburgh still believes that Mendenhall will recover from his injuries, but whether that happens or not, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has promised swift action against Johnson.

“Keyshawn’s outfit made a mockery out of chromatology and violated any number of societal maxims and standards of human decency,” Goodell said. “Three children died by looking at Johnson’s outfit on the way to the train, and then he injured Mendenhall as well. I gotta tell you, this is going to change. There’s enough of a chance that an NFL player will kill another human being on any given weekend, without our broadcasters getting involved.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!