Mattingly tapped for lead role in Magnum P.I. movie

LOS ANGELES, CA — Apparently being in Los Angeles has brought out the Hollywood in Dodgers bench coach Don Mattingly. The former Yankee great followed manager Joe Torre to L.A. this off-season after the tandem’s successful run on Broadway, and now word is out that Donnie Baseball will play another 80’s icon, Magnum, P.I., in a movie based on the popular TV series.

The move came as a complete surprise to most Hollywood insiders, but executive producer Shel Burnstein said Mattingly was an obvious choice.

“Well, we had Matthew McConaughey lined up initially, but Magnum, P.I. traditionalists raised a real stink about the mustache issue. It turns out Matthew can’t actually grow one,” Burnstein said. “The similarities between [Actor Tom] Selleck and Donnie are almost eerie. Their mustaches, I mean – they don’t actually look that much alike otherwise, but the near-identical ’stache is a big hit around Hollywood.”

The original decision to have McConaughey in the starring role drew scores of protests from mustache lovers everywhere. The American Mustache Institute was especially vocal. Former baseball great Rollie Fingers, speaking on behalf of the group’s sports and entertainment division, applauded the producers’ choice of Mattingly.

“Great mustaches are hard to come by, and Mattingly really seized his opportunity to have the preeminent baseball mustache. I can’t think of any reason he wouldn’t show the same commitment in bringing one of TV’s greatest characters to the silver screen,” Fingers told SSNN. “Plus, can you imagine Matthew McKindagay as Magnum, P.I.? That guy waxes his chest, for crying out loud – I’ve seen more hair on a Chihuahua. They probably would have had to paste on a fake mustache, and that would have dishonored all of us.”

Burnstein said the studio was more than willing to work the film’s shooting schedule around the Dodgers’ schedule. “Obviously production will be delayed until after the season. But a mustache like that is worth the wait, especially if we can get Torre to play Higgins.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!