Martinez, Hampton to be euthanized after latest injuries

NEW YORK, NY and ATLANTA, GA — It looks as if the Mets and Braves have had enough of their broken-down, old pitchers. Today both clubs announced their intention to euthanize aging pitchers Pedro Martinez and Mike Hampton, respectively, within a week.

Martinez, who made only five starts in 2007 because of injury, pulled a hamstring in his first start of the season last week.

“It’s pretty obvious that Pedro isn’t getting any younger,” Mets GM Omar Minaya said in defense of the move. “He just keeps getting injured more and more. I tried to shop him around for a trade, but the most I could get were a few bats and a case of beer – and anyone who knows Pedro knows he would be tremendously offended by that kind of deal.”

Braves general manager Frank Wren expressed similar sentiments. Hampton returned to Atlanta for the 2007 season after sitting out 2006 with an elbow injury, only to have another shoulder procedure hold him out of the ‘07 season. Last week, while warming up for his much-ballyhooed return to the team’s starting rotation, Hampton strained a pectoral muscle and was placed on the 15-day DL.

“It’s a very dignified way for Mike to end his career,” Wren said. “Plus, there’s the whole sympathy thing. I mean, look what happened with Barbaro. It’s going to garner a lot of sympathy for him, and for the Braves organization. It’ll turn a mediocre pitcher into a national legend.”

When told of their teams’ plans, neither pitcher had any comment. Turns out, neither man knew what the word ‘euthanize’ means. Once told, both men protested vigorously.

“I don’t think it’s fair,” Martinez said. “I know I’ve been injured a few times in the last couple of years, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I can still come back and be an effective number three starter.”

A protest has also come from many fantasy baseball owners. Joel Lundgren, an unemployed accountant from New Jersey, explained his discontent to SSNN – “Nobody drafted Hampton, obviously, unless they’re freaking stupid. But a lot of people had Pedro. For the team to put him down in the middle of the season puts a lot of us in a bind.”

“Obviously this is something that we don’t want to become a regular practice,” said players union chief Donald Fehr, who assured SSNN that the union plans on filing a grievance with the league. “It’s not that I don’t agree with the teams – these guys are done. But it sets a dangerous precedent. Instead of Tommy John surgery, they’ll just start taking these guys out back and shooting them. And that’s no good.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!