Marlins take steps to draw fewer fans

MIAMI, FL — Characterized by periods of what can best be described as marginal success situated between the occasional World Series Championship, the Florida Marlins organization has become accustomed to experiencing sluggish attendance figures that consistently rank near the bottom of the National League.

But an unexpectedly fast start to the 2008 season that has the Marlins sitting alone atop the NL East standings has led to renewed enthusiasm in southern Florida. And, in turn, it has caused an even more surprising boost in ticket sales.

Perhaps most shocked by the team’s hot start is Florida’s front office – including owner Jeff Loria, who is far less jubilant about the situation than the suddenly rejuvenated Marlins fan base.

“I really don’t understand it. Last year we averaged around 2,000 people a game. With all this early-season success, we’ve got closer to 7,000. That’s like a 400% increase in attendance,” Loria exclaimed to SSNN. “This is all fine and dandy for the team and the fans, but it has to stop. If we start seeing 10,000 people consistently, we’re in trouble.”

Since purchasing the franchise in 2001, Loria has been engaged in a heated tug-of-war with the City of Miami over funding for a new, state-of-the-art stadium. But he recently scored a victory of sorts when city legislators granted his request for financing under the condition the Marlins could repeatedly generate poor attendance figures.

Now, Loria says, since the Marlins’ play is instead increasing those figures, his proposal is severely hampered. “It’s definitely time to act. I need to have people in Florida to completely disregard the very idea of buying a ticket to see the Marlins. The way the guys are playing now, we’ll run away with that division – we could see upwards of 12,000 fans a game by September. That’s a scary thought.”

A source close to Loria tells SSNN that the Marlins owner has undertaken steps to arrange for quirky quartet of celebrity singers – Rosanne Barr, Ashlee Simpson and famed 80’s duo Milli Vanilli – to handle the National Anthem at every remaining home game. Barr’s extensive acting resume is overshadowed by her humiliating (some say insulting) version of the anthem performed at a Padres game in 1990, while the other three have been accused of lip-synching.

“Mr. Loria hopes these four tragic figures of the entertainment industry will be enough to make people think twice about coming out to Dolphin Stadium, regardless of whether the Marlins are 30 games over five hundred, or not, which we believe is a distinct possibility,” the source revealed. “Imagine settling in your seat with a fresh Budweiser and hearing our beloved anthem being sung by what sounds like a dying animal, shrieking for mercy. That’s enough to make you get up and sprint for the nearest scalper selling Heat tickets.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!