Kurkjian insists he’s never been kicked in the nuts

BRONX, NY — It’s the second Yankees-Red Sox series of the season – and the first in New York – which means the entire ESPN baseball staff is in the Bronx today, waiting for stories to break. And one did; but it has nothing to do with the storied rivalry.

After decades in and around the game of baseball, and years as one of ESPN’s foremost writers and radio/TV personalities, squeaky-voiced Tim Kurkjian dropped a bombshell. It started as innocent chit-chat between friends, but in the midst of a discussion about Cubs CF Felix Pie’s return from a nasty injury to his testicles, Kurkjian mentioned to Buster Olney that he had never experienced a direct hit to that region.

“At first I laughed. I mean, I didn’t mean to laugh at him, but obviously I thought he was kidding,” Olney explained. “Hell, you’ve heard him talk, right? Clearly he’s been getting his balls smashed since childhood.”

But Kurkjian was not joking – in fact, he took offense to Olney’s laughs. SSNN was able to catch up with the diminutive baseball maven and question him about his claim.

“Honestly, I’m completely serious: I’ve never been kicked in the nuts,” Kurkjian insisted. “And before you ask, no – no baseball bats to the balls, not jolts to the family jewels whatsoever. And no, my pants are not too tight. What’s the issue here, why do people keep asking me about this?”

Unfortunately, SSNN did not have the heart to explain to Kurkjian that his frequent voice cracks and generally squeaky manner of speaking make many believe that his testes have been suffering constant trauma. Fellow baseball writer Rob Neyer was happy to handle that responsibility.

“Yeah, I told him. I didn’t know it was a big secret. I think maybe I should have thought about the consequences, though, because he’s been locked in the food trailer watching old video of himself and sobbing for like two hours now. How was I supposed to know he couldn’t hear himself? I just wish he’d let me get in there and grab an egg salad sandwich.”