Kiper, McShay to square off in MMA fight to settle draft beef

BRISTOL, CT — Mel Kiper has been the pre-eminent voice of the NFL Draft for many years. He was the first of the so-called “draft experts” to hit the airwaves, doing so on ESPN in 1984. But now there seems to be a Mel Kiper at every sports website in every corner of cyberspace, and Kiper is none too pleased about it.

In fact, Kiper’s own network, ESPN, brought in another version of Kiper a few years ago in the form of Scouts, Inc. analyst Todd McShay. There has reportedly been tension between the two co-workers ever since, as they have seen each other as direct rivals.

After years of bad blood, Kiper and McShay will finally have a chance to settle their beef man-to-man. SSNN has learned that the two competitors will square off in a mixed martial arts-style match, to take place in an octagon that will be specially built outside the ESPN offices in Bristol, Conn.

For his part, Kiper isn’t fretting about the possibility of McShay doing much damage. “I’ve seen a lot of tape of Todd, and I don’t think he’s a legit MMA prospect. He only put up 2 reps on the bench press, his vertical jump was paltry, and he doesn’t have the natural swivel in his hips to keep up with me. He did run a good time in the 40, but the octagon doesn’t allow for that type of speed to come into play.”

“While I don’t have the measurable strength of a Kiper, I am more of an athlete. Kiper is just a lot of dead weight, starting with his hair. That alone must weigh five pounds with all that product in it,” said an equally confident McShay. “And besides, he doesn’t do a good job of playing in space, and his time in the three-cone drill was pathetic. And you know, that’s a good drill to indicate agility, which is absolutely necessary inside the octagon. Frankly, my grade on Kiper isn’t very high.”

Needless to say, this should be a highly entertaining match between two men that obviously don’t like each other. The match-up is like something out of a movie script - one is a veteran trying to prove he still belongs, while the other is a young upstart, trying to make his mark. May the best analyst win.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!