Jones confident plans to “smoke myself retarded” won’t affect reinstatement

DALLAS, TX — With a trade to Dallas a possibility, Pacman Jones is singularly focused on getting reinstated to the NFL and continuing his football career, but the one-time Tennessee Titan doesn’t see why that has to interfere with his plans for what he calls “my all-time favorite holiday.”

“Oh, boy – you don’t even know,” Jones told SSNN late Saturday. “4/20 is the shit, boy! I’m gonna smoke myself retarded. Me and my boys are up rolling blunts right now, so we’re all set for tomorrow.”

For the uninitiated, April 20 (4/20) is an unofficial marijuana smokers’ holiday. Believed to be taken from the police dispatch code for illegal marijuana smoking activity, smokers across the nation celebrate the day by bludgeoning their brains with giant mallets of smoke.

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“Last year we went to Crazy Horse, but they really weren’t prepared for the holiday,” Jones said, clearly still disappointed in the strip club’s lack of green decorations and paucity of food selections. “Plus, I’m on a strict one strip club a week policy right now, and I already went on Wednesday – it’s all about getting back in the league. So we’re staying at the crib this year, and we’re gonna just hang our own decorations.”

Pacman is particularly excited to sport some new, 4/20-themed gear. “I got this shirt that’s like a 7-11 shirt, you know? Only it has 4/20 on the logo instead of 7-11, and it says ‘Oh, Thank Heaven!’ And then I got this hat, too; like a trucker hat, but it has a picture of a cow on the front and it says ‘I LIKE GRASS.’ I’m ready for this shit, man.”

As for the illegality of the entire venture, Pacman isn’t worried. He seems relatively certain that Commissioner Roger Goodell and the NFL will see his festivities for what they are – innocent celebration of a popular, if informal, national holiday – and not use his behavior as grounds to deny him reinstatement to the league.

“It’s 4/20, man – it’s not like we rolled fifty blunts for just any Sunday. I mean, I can’t think of the last day I smoked more than five blunts and it wasn’t 4/20. It would be pretty petty of Mr. Goodell to make a big fuss about a little weed on 4/20,” Jones said, confidently. “Plus, I’m hanging out with my boy Tank [Johnson, Cowboys defensive lineman] and he says you can totally smoke and get reinstated. Actually, he said he was high when he got reinstated. Which is probably a good idea, just to make sure you don’t get overexcited and say something stupid.”