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News Item

Johnny Cueto anointed as savior, gives blind man sight

CINCINNATI, OH — Johnny Cueto is quickly becoming a god in Cincinnati. After his second outstanding outing in as many tries on Tuesday night, the Reds rookie sensation was greeted at the airport by a screaming mass of hysterical Cincinnatians when the Reds charter plane touched down early Wednesday morning.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” left fielder Adam Dunn said in amazement. “Usually when we get home, there’s no fans here at all. Well, unless you count Blind Bill, the homeless man that lives over by the hangar. He’s usually screaming as we leave the plane, but I think that has more to do with his schizophrenia than anything else.”

Bill was there as usual on Wednesday morning, but along with him were about 1,000 frenzied Reds faithful, all clamoring to meet the man who has given hope to a city beset by years of scandals, poor ownership, and countless losing seasons from their professional sports teams. One man held a sign that read “What Would Johnny Do?” and another fan sported a t-shirt with a picture of Cueto nailed to a cross. On the back it read, “I pitch for your sins.”

“He’s our savior,” said Nancy Cohen, the woman wearing the t-shirt. “I printed up about 5.000 of these things two days ago, and I only have 300 left. He’s going to lead us to the promised land.”

As Cueto descended the planes steps and slowly began navigating his way through the crowd, his followers began closing around him, pushing his teammates out of the way. When they had the young pitcher secluded in the middle of their human circle, they all joined hands and began serenading the Dominican Republic native with altered versions of well-known worship songs, such as “From Heaven You Throw,” “Great And Mighty Is He,” and a strangely stirring rendition of “This Little Pitcher of Mine.” As they swayed back and forth, singing in a melodic harmony, the rest of the Reds were left to watch – and wonder what the hell was going on.

“Yea, Johnny’s been great so far, but it’s two freakin’ starts,” a perturbed Ryan Freel said as he spat a lump of chaw onto the ground. “Haven’t these people ever heard of Mark Fidyrich? Todd Van Poppel? Hell, look what happened to Homer Bailey last year. This all seems a little extreme to me.”

But if Wednesday’s gathering is any indication, this crowd, and in fact the entire city of Cincinnati, will not be deterred by thoughts of highly-hyped pitchers that did not pan out in the past. They have found The One, and no amount of reasoning or logic will change their devotion to their savior.

“I already quit my job to follow Johnny. Where he pitcheth, I shall follow,” a fan on the verge of tears proclaimed.

While the impromptu worship session was a shocking sight, what happened as Cueto was about to board the team bus could only be descried as, well, a miracle.

After escaping the clutches of his adoring public, the pitcher was about to board the bus when Blind Bill appeared at his side, whimpering and gesturing towards his eyes. Cueto gently placed his mighty right hand on the top of the homeless man’s head, mumbled a few words into his ear, then climbed the steps to his refuge.

Bill immediately collapsed to the ground and remained motionless as the crowd dispersed and the bus rolled out the gates of the airport. Intrigued by the display, several people approached the disheveled man to offer assistance, and were stunned to find him “sobbing uncontrollably, and repeating ‘I can see! I can see! Johnny Cueto, I can see!’” The transient then sprang to his feet, and began running toward his makeshift home, hopping over several cones and dodging a fuel truck in the process.

While SSNN was unable to interview the once-blind derelict, several witnesses claimed to have seen him in an airport bathroom, standing in front of a mirror, using a pocket knife to shave off his tangled beard.

“I’m telling you, the guy could see,” said an observer, who happened upon Bill in the bathroom. “And he owes it all to JC. Now if he can only find a way to give eternal youth to Griffey, we may just have a shot at winning the World Series this year.”

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Labels: Adam Dunn, blindness, Cincinnati Reds, Jesus Christ, Johnny Cueto, Ken Griffey Jr., religion, Ryan Freel, savior

Posted on April 13th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

Reds, cult suicidal after Cueto loss (April 17, 2008)
Dusty Baker promises to limit Cueto, Volquez, Bailey to 150 pitches per start (April 24, 2008)
Costas’s kids to get playing cards, t-shirts from airport gift shop (August 26, 2008)
Cubs fan leader fires back at Brennaman (April 23, 2008)

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