IOC also strips Jones of steroids-induced mustache

FORT WORTH, TX — The IOC has ruled today that in addition to giving up her Olympic medals former track star Marion Jones must also relinquish “any and all residual facial hair resulting from the use of performance enhancing drugs.”

For several weeks Jones and her lawyer attempted a compromise with the IOC, suggesting that she be allowed possession of a short, “Charlie Chaplain-style” musstache or perhaps a “pencil-thin nose tickler in the mode of flamboyant rocker Little Richard.” In the end, however, Jones was forced to surrender the right to sport “any hair not typically found on a female body – including but not limited to Ned Flanders-like soup strainers, handlebar mustaches, lengthy sideburns, five o’clock shadow or even excessive nose hair.”

From the pay phone inside Carswell Federal Medical Center, Jones pleaded for the ruling to be overturned. “These people have no idea how close I’ve become to my facial hair. It’s going to be a very emotional shave tomorrow morning.”

While the precise details of the transfer of facial hair have yet to be worked out, Jones has been ordered to relinquish all traces of residual face fur by Friday, April 26.

Jones’ teammates on the 1,600m relay squad (Jearl-Miles Clark, Monique Hennagan, LaTasha Colander-Richardson and Andrea Anderson) were relieved to learn that they could keep their scant facial hair on the basis that they shouldn’t be punished for Jones’s actions. A tearful Anderson told SSNN that “it almost makes up for having to give the medals back!”

In an unrelated story, Jones’s ex-husband and former shot-putter CJ Hunter – who, years ago, faced similar controversy due to doping offenses – has been allowed to maintain possession of his steroids-induced D-cup man-boobs, on the condition that he never, ever show them to anybody.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!