Improved HGH test jeopardizes Olympics

BEIJING, CHINA – The World Anti-Doping Agency announced today that new HGH testing kits will be given out to various testing labs in preparation for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games.

The Olympics have tested for HGH during the past two Olympic Games, the 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens as well the 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino, but no positive tests were reported. David Howman, director general of WADA, said that unlike the old test the new one “actually works.”

Howman told SSNN that early, conservative estimations by WADA are that somewhere between 80 and 90 percent of Olympic athletes will test positive with the new testing system.

“Oh yeah, we’re pretty much gonna shut the Olympics down,” Howman said. “Who’s the bitch now, designer drug manufacturers?”

Howman also said the test will have a huge impact on larger nations, such as the United States. In fact, he said only the really, really poor countries that can’t afford HGH will pass the new test and be allowed to compete.

“Have you ever been to the US Olympic Training Facility,” the anti-doping official asked SSNN’s reporter. “They basically put HGH in the water. I mean, it’s everywhere. You’re not quoting me on that, are you?”

According to Howman, the addition of the new HGH test was a no-brainer for WADA, and the best of their limited options.

“It was either this or wait until Jose Canseco writes a book about the Olympics,” he explained. “And with Jose staying so busy whoring himself out to various media outlets, there’s no telling when he would have time for Juiced II: Olympics Style.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!