Herschel Walker proud, resentful, confused, sleepy to carry Olympic torch

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Former Olympian and professional athlete Herschel Walker held a press conference today to announce that in spite of ongoing controversy regarding the upcoming 2008 Olympics he is proud to carry the torch for his country.

“I’d like to make it very clear that carrying the torch for this year’s games makes me proud to be an American,” Walker said. “Also, the Olympic games are a complete sham that must be shut down immediately.”

When confused reporters asked Walker to clarify his views, he responded by slapping himself in the face repeatedly and saying, “As the first Muslim woman to carry the torch for the Olympics, I’d like to say that I have no idea what any of you people are doing in my living room.”

In the awkward silence that followed he added, “Liar!”

Walker’s turn at carrying the torch represents several firsts for the grand Olympic tradition: the first time a torch will be relayed from one person to themselves; the first time a torch bearer will be clad in an evening gown; and, if Walker’s 8-month-old personality is deemed worthy of participation, it may be the first time an Olympic torch bearer will have to take a “time out” for a change of diapers.

In spite of these many groundbreaking achievements, the former NFL star remained modest while attempting to choke himself to death with the microphone chord. After intervening and breaking up the fight between himself and himself, Walker insisted that such discord would not create a disturbance during the actual ceremony.

“I’ve had my disagreements, but everything is under control,” Walker assured reporters, before adding, “Oh, no it isn’t.”

When asked of the dangers of protesters who plan to disrupt the event, Walker assured reporters that in addition to carrying the torch he would also be providing security for himself, himself and himself.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!