Harvard archeologists uncover suspected Paterno fossil

CAIRO, EGYPT — A group of stunned archeologists from Harvard University made a historic find early Tuesday, when they unearthed an ancient fossil believed to be a human tibia at the base of a mountain range just outside the city of Cairo.

Dr. Paul Schlemach, curator of Harvard’s Museum of Natural History in Cambridge, Mass. and foreman for the twelve-member excavation project, said the team of scientists has plausible reason to believe the bone once belonged to Penn State football coach Joe Paterno.

“Our carbon dating and DNA tests indicate this tibia – or shin bone, as it is known to the less-educated, ignorant vagrants at Penn State – did, indeed, belong to Joe Paterno,” said Schlemach, winner of the esteemed P.E. MacAllister Field Archeology Award. “At this point, our timeline for the relic is somewhat cloudy, but we have evidence that suggests this fossil dates back to before the Turonian stage of the Cretaceous Period. In plain English, my colleagues and I theorize that Joe-Pa is actually over 90 million years old. And before you ask, the answer is yes – I am hinting at the idea that one of college football’s premiere coaches is older than the dinosaurs.”

If Schlemach and his team’s theory proves to be accurate, Tuesday’s unprecedented finding would be the planet’s oldest known fossil by some 20 million years, thus effectively obliterating any previously established thinking that human life originated well after the extinction of our reptilian predecessors. But instead of focusing on the historical connotations of his latest achievement, Schlemach, a fanatical Michigan football supporter, openly relished the notion of demeaning Paterno’s storied, but now – according to Schlemach – tainted coaching career.

“The guy’s been coaching college football for as long as the planet Earth has existed, so of course he leads all college coaches in wins. Can you imagine the numbers Rich Rodriguez would put up if he continued to coach for the next billion years? If anything, Paterno should have at least 50 million more victories than he actually has,” explained Schlemach, who has been a season ticket holder in Ann Arbor since 1953. “Think about it – he is averaging less than 0.0000364 wins per season. And let’s consider his competition, at least during the early years of his career. At best, his teams were being matched against players from the Cro-Magnon Era, a time when most humans couldn’t even speak a fluid language, let alone play football.

“When you think about it, though, it’s kind of sad to ponder how long that man has been walking around without a shin bone. But I guess that’s why he has that pronounced limp.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!