Favre upset that Doomsday projection precedes Hall induction

GULFPORT, MS — With the emotional roller coaster that is his transition from a Hall-of-Fame career to the uncertainty of life after football not yet over, newly retired quarterback Brett Favre learned today that his legacy will not be joining those of the game’s greats in the annals of NFL history in Canton – not anytime soon, not ever.

“Words really can’t describe what I am feeling right now. I really don’t know what else to do but retreat to my secret place and have a good cry,” a clearly disgruntled Favre told SSNN Wednesday morning. “I’ve never been this upset before in my life, and that’s including the time I was robbed of MVP honors in Super Bowl XXXI. Damn you, Desmond Howard.”

The Green Bay icon claims he went into a state of shock upon learning that the prophecies of the ancient Mayan calendar, as told late Tuesday evening on his favorite television program, The Universe on the History Channel. Assuming the calendar’s predictions prove to be correct, the world will come to a cataclysmic end on December 23, 2012, just three months before Favre becomes eligible to enter the Hall of Fame.

“At first I thought, ‘Man, that sucks, we’re all going to die in a few years,’” Favre recalled of his emotions as he watched the program. “Then I realized the Earth will perish in a ball of atmospheric flames right before I am supposed to get my bust at Canton. That’s when I blacked out.”

Unfortunately, Favre said he doesn’t see any way around the problem. Though he plans to file a petition with the NFL’s league office to move up his Hall-of-Fame eligibility, he is not hopeful that Commissioner Roger Goodell – who is “a real jerk of a stickler for the letter of the law” – will accommodate his request.

“It’s really not fair, not fair at all. For Christ sake, what are the odds of a global catastrophe taking place, like one in 500 billion? And to have it happen right before I reach NFL immortality? First, I have to deal with the sting of knowing I ended my great career losing to a joker like Eli Manning, and now this,” the disappointed ex-signal caller said, while attempting to apocalypse-proof his Mississippi estate. “Who in the hell is going to acknowledge all the records I set if the entire human race turns to cosmic dust before I reach the Hall of Fame? I certainly don’t want to be vaporized knowing there was no monument celebrating my legacy as the greatest quarterback to ever walk this earth, or whatever is left of it, after we all get smashed by the giant asteroid.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!