Fantasy baseball commish takes responsibility way too seriously

WHITE PLAINS, NY — John Calvin got married in February, but he won’t think twice if you ask him to name the best thing that has happened this year.

“No question, when I was named the commissioner of the Liberty Tavern Baseball Association, that was the event of the year this year,” Calvin said. “Getting married was nice. But I only have wanted to be married for the last two years or so. I’ve wanted to be commissioner since 1997, when the league started.”

Calvin got his opportunity when Donnie Millikens, 31, decided to retire from the commissioner’s chair after a peaceful, six-year term, during which only one trade was overruled. Citing a desire not to “deal with other people’s crap anymore,” Millikens sought a replacement in a hastily written email on January 29, 2008. Calvin answered the call to action within an hour, and immediately asserted his authority over the league.

“The first thing I did was lock everyone’s team who didn’t pay their dues by the first day of the season,” Calvin said. “So eight of the teams couldn’t set their lineups for the first week of the season, until they paid up and we got their money in an escrow account. The second task was writing the league Constitution. Can you imagine a league lasting ten years without a Constitution? Well, I’m proud to say that the Constitution is now 18 pages long.”

Not all of the league members are happy about the rules change, though. In fact, several league members have resorted to passive-aggressive protests of the new Commish’s approach, There have been multiple message board postings about the new rule, and one owner changed his team name to “JohnCalvinIsADouchebag.”

Calvin’s emphasis on his newfound role is also causing some domestic problems for the 29-year-old systems analyst.

“I think that John is maybe spending a bit too much time on his whole fantasy baseball thing,” said Mary Calvin, 28, his wife. “A lot of the time, on like Friday or Saturday night, he won’t go out or go to the movies or anything, because he says he needs to be on his computer or working on possible amendments to the Constitution. The other day, we had to skip our friend Mike’s birthday party because of John’s obligations for the league. And the weird part of it is, I think Mike is in the league. In fact, I think he won it that year that John came in fourth.”

It’s not just time commitments, either, Mary said.

“There is a whole other attitude at play. The other day I made a joke at his expense when his friend Roger was over, and later that night, he had a two-hour ‘meeting’ with me,” Mary recounted to SSNN. “He said he was very upset that I had denigrated his authority in front of another league member. I’m being serious – it wasn’t a conversation, it was a meeting. He sent me a goddamn Outlook meeting notice.”

“My authority as commissioner is my stock and trade,” Calvin said. “If the league members don’t respect my authority and my presence, they will not respect my decisions. What if they all lose respect for me because my wife is running amok, and then they won’t respect my decisions on crucial trades? What then? Lord of the Flies, that’s what’s. Utter chaos. Anarchy.”

Calvin said that despite the criticism from his league-mates and spouse, he’s not going to change his behavior.

“When I laid my hand on that Bill James Abstract and took my oath of office, I meant every word that came out of my mouth.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!