Escobar comes clean about injury

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Minutes following his team’s 1-0 victory over the Minnesota Twins Wednesday night, Los Angeles Angels starting pitcher Kelvim Escobar revealed the real cause of the inflammation that had reportedly gripped his throwing shoulder, and possibly causing the staff ace to miss at least the first two weeks of the season.

“The last thing I want to be in this world is a liar. So, it is with a complete lack of regret and remorse that I announce the Angels organization and I have been covering up the true nature of my injury for months now,” last year’s 18-game winner admitted. “My shoulder was never inflamed. In fact, my shoulder was never injured at all. Doctors and teammates tell me the swelling and inflammation has actually taken place in my head, but I don’t really see how I can help it.

“They say the clubhouse gradually started to notice the symptoms shortly after I single-handedly led the Angels to the divisional crown with a career year, and they persisted right on through to the playoffs, even after our early exit. I mean, it wasn’t my fault we lost to the Red Sox. But I found out firsthand something was a bit odd when I could no longer fit my cap over my head.”

Escobar acknowledged that the symptoms plaguing him the entire offseason – such as an oversized cranium that hampers his ability to walk – and recently landing him on the 15-day DL are self-inflicted, and will only subside once he begins to keep his ego in check. But the Angles hurler, who many of the nation’s baseball pundits project to be a serious Cy Young Award candidate this season, also put what he called “just blame” on the media. Even those reporters who were present for Wednesday night’s announcement proved to be fair game.

“I’ll play the role of the bigger man here – like I always do, because I’m cool like that – and admit that my recent ailment has been a direct result of my self-adoration. I’ll also admit that we would have won 15-0 tonight if I had been out there, regardless of the fact that I don’t hit. But come on, how can I not bask in the glow of my supreme and unparalleled talent, especially when you consider how much I will dominate once I come off the disabled list?” Escobar asked the group of assembled reporters. “Of course, part of the problem lies with you guys – what do you expect? If the press didn’t come out and say before the start of the season that I will win 30 games and have an ERA under 1.00, this sort of thing would never happen.

“I agree that I will win 30 games, but those projections still put undue pressure on me to be even more awesome than I already am. That’s a lot for one man to handle, even a god like me.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!