Doctors discover reason for Rome’s burning

LOS ANGELES, CA — After years of study and hundreds of tests, doctors say they may have an answer for why Jim Rome is constantly angry with professional athletes. Doctors say Rome has a form of post-traumatic stress syndrome.

“Mr. Rome has had some traumatic experience in his childhood involving sports,” Dr. Henrik Stilson, a leading psychological researcher, explained to SSNN. “This causes him to hate sports and those who excel in it. The better they are at sports, the more he hates them.”

Rome has long been known for his intense dislike of athletes, even going so far as to provoke an attack from former Rams quarterback Jim Everett while taping an interview. Today, Rome regularly vents on his television program, Jim Rome is Burning.

Rome’s case is not unique in medical history, though it is the first time it has been medically documented. Doctors have even named the condition after Rome.

“We’re calling the condition assholia,” Dr. Stilson said. “Otherwise known as ‘asshole disease’. Some of the symptoms include unprovoked rage, the mocking of small errors, and stating the obvious in an angry way, usually delivered in a rambling monologue. Extreme cases are also marked by ridiculous attempts to look cool.”

Stilson emphasized that Rome is the victim in this situation – “He has a serious mental disease.”

Stilson also said that Rome had accidentally stumbled upon the ideal treatment for assholia. “A low-rated TV talk show where the victim has a chance to vent is the best way we have found to treat the disease. Preferably the show will be at a time when no one will actually watch, like Mr. Rome’s. That way no one gets their feelings hurt.”

Dr. Stilson also said the disease is “quite common” in the general population, as evidenced by the proliferation of sports radio.

Rome had no comment on the doctor’s diagnosis, except to say that SSNN “are a bunch of freaking jerks.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!