Demonstrator awarded gold medal by confused Olympics judges

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Seth Garfield, protester of the 2008 Olympic Games – or, more specifically, Beijing, China – was the proud and extremely surprised winner of a gold medal after scaling the Golden Gate Bridge in a record 11 minutes and 17 seconds.

Swedish Olympic judge Uta Huffenstuff was admittedly confused by Garfield’s early entry in the games, but nonetheless impressed by his performance. “I was under the impression that the actual games weren’t supposed to get underway until August, but he clearly reached the top ahead of the others and I really admired the way he kept his balance while holding up a banner and screaming ‘murderers.’”

Other judges were in agreement on Garfield’s strong performance as well, citing such aspects as degree of difficulty and technical merit.

“I was particularly impressed with his dismount, and the way he insisted on continuing in spite of being dragged into a police car,” said Japanese judge Kai Hitori who gave a Garfield a 9.5. “I could have done without the Asian slurs, though.”

Garfield has an unconventional sports background for an Olympian. At 16 he led a protest of his high school football team’s use of livestock-derived footballs. As a senior at the University of California at Berkeley he participated in protests of various games between teams with mascots insensitive to Native Americans, animals and other disenfranchised minority groups.

But the San Francisco native’s victory has not been without controversy: his displaying of the Tibetan flag and wearing of a t-shirt featuring the likeness of Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara have created confusion among judges as to which country should be credited with the gold medal.

When asked by SSNN to clarify his country’s origin Garfield replied: “I am a captive in a fascist regime that supports untold atrocities across the world!”

Garfield is the second “unofficial” participant to be awarded a medal in this year’s Olympic Games. Pierre Bujold of France was given a bronze medal for extinguishing the Olympic torch in 5 minutes and 19 seconds.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!