Dallas man files lawsuit against Yahoo!

DALLAS, TX — Local man Timothy Reynolds has filed a lawsuit against Yahoo!, claiming the Internet company ruined his life.

According to papers filed with the Dallas Municipal Court early Tuesday, Reynolds claims that Yahoo! cost him his job and his apartment. The 28-year-old former systems analyst is seeking $12.5 million in compensatory damages.

A source close to Reynolds told SSNN that the Dallas native was fired from his job after his Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball League screen became literally burned into his monitor. A superior quickly discovered the damaged screen, and Reynolds was suspended and later terminated.

“Tim got hooked on fantasy baseball so hard that he turned off the screen saver,” the source explained. “He’d just leave his league screen up all day at work, refreshing it every 10 minutes or so. After a week or so of that kind of abuse, his monitor was ruined. Plus, he hadn’t done a damn thing in terms of his actual job.”

Reynolds did not return any of SSNN’s phone calls, but his lawyer released a brief statement earlier today.

“Yahoo!’s lack of warnings about image burn is gross negligence on their part,” the statement read. “Mr. Reynolds and I are confident that he will be awarded his full damage claim, allowing him to move out of his parents’ basement, to which he has been relegated since Yahoo!’s negligence caused him to lose his apartment. Mr. Reynolds would like to add that his fantasy baseball team, Big Bat and Bigger Ballz, will dominate Yahoo! League #18799653.”

Perhaps the most interesting part of the suit is the inclusion of damages for Reynolds’ loss of lodging. He shared a small, two bedroom apartment with longtime acquaintance Mark McGuphie. While Reynolds and his lawyer have released no information in relation to this apartment, McGuphie insists the case will be lost based on its inclusion.

“Tim’s an asshole,” McGuphie told SSNN. “I went on vacation to Mexico for a week and a half, and when I came back his god damn fantasy league screen was burned into my monitor. I made it clear before I left that he was not allowed to use my computer; and that if he did, I’d find a new roommate.”

McGuphie said he has evidence to prove that this conversation took place, and that if authorities ask he will provide it. He said he felt the need to bring this up with Reynolds, because the last time he went on vacation he returned to find fantasy draft magazines strewn across his computer desk, and a new bookmark called ‘Matthew Berry.’

Reynolds’ mom came to his defense, saying that he’s always had an addictive personality.

“Timmy loves his silly computer baseball,” she said. “His dad and I just want him to know he’s welcome to stay with us while this whole thing gets sorted out, but under no circumstances is he allowed to use the computer.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!