Cubs win 10,000^th meaningless game

DENVER, CO — The Chicago Cub’s dramatic tenth-inning victory over the Colorado Rockies Wednesday night was more than just an early-season morale booster, it was one for the record books: it was the 10,000^th utterly meaningless victory in the club’s history.

No other major league baseball team can boast more wins that mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things.

But while Cubs fans commemorate the glorious occasion with wild, drunken partying, some baseball historians are quick to take issue with the achievement – citing, for example, that the San Francisco Giants have, in their storied history, won more games.

Long-time Cubs fan Wally Van Dyke explained to SSNN, however, that when it comes to meaningless games – games that do not in any way erase the team’s tragic tendency to choke away opportunities for world championships – the Cubs are indeed number one.

“This club simply knows how to win meaningless games – whether it’s a 1-0 snoozefest between two teams that have already been mathematically eliminated from post-season play, or an early season rout of an embarrassingly lame expansion squad, nobody does it like my Cubbies,” Van Dyke offered before passing out.

Another thorny issue is the fact that the Cubs have, in fact, garnered World Series wins in the past – albeit roughly a century ago – prompting some baseball archivists to suggest that an asterisk be placed next to the 10,000^th meaningless game in the record books.

Irate Cubs fans insist that World Series victories in 1907 and ‘08 shouldn’t be held against the team, as such wins took place before their trademark self-destructive spirit had slipped into place.

“Those teams weren’t real Cubs teams,” says 101-year-old Cubs fan Tom McIntyre. “They would catch routine fly balls, fail to make base-running errors at crucial moments – they flew in the face of everything the Cubs truly stand for.”

In spite of frustrating attempts to tarnish the legacy of the team’s embarrassing existence, Cubs fans look forward to the rest of the season and have their eyes on another impressive record: most spirit-crushing, late-season defeats.

“If I know my Cubbies, this one is a lock,” said Wally Van Dyke, after regaining consciousness.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!