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Construction workers find Schilling buried under new Yankee Stadium

Curt Schilling holding his breath

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NEW YORK CITY, NY — Having previously excavated a David Ortiz jersey from the bowels of the new Yankee stadium, construction workers on Sunday discovered another artifact placed there for the sake of “cursing” the new stadium: right-handed pitcher Curt Schilling.

The Red Sox have since apologized for delaying the process of constructing the new stadium, but feel the incident has been blown out of proportion. As manager Terry Francona put it to SSNN, “C’mon! It’s not like we did structural damage to the stadium or anything like that.”

When asked of the potential damage such an act may have done to Schilling, Francona admitted that burying the former All-Star alive may not have been the best way to help him nurse his ailing shoulder. Still, he has no regrets about doing so.

“After a while, you get used to the armchair critics questioning your every decision,” Francona said. “I stand behind every move – even the ones that involve placing a potential Hall of Fame pitcher under several feet of paralyzing, oxygen-robbing concrete.”

“Sure, it’s nice to be able to breathe again and all that,” said Schilling, who claims to have mixed feelings about being rescued from an airless pit beneath the new stadium. “But I was really looking forward to sticking it to the Yankees.”

Although Shilling appears to have recovered from his ordeal, the question remains as to what will now happen to the one-time ace. The Jimmy Fund – the charity that received the once-buried Ortiz jersey – has politely declined the offer of Schilling, citing his age and recent injuries. Eric Shore, spokesman for the group, which plans to auction off Ortiz’s once-buried jersey, said the offer of Schilling, “was a nice gesture, but when you get right down to it, what can anyone do with a 41-year-old right-handed pitcher?”

The Red Sox organization is considering placing Shilling back on the DL, or perhaps giving him away to a nice family in upstate New York.

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Posted on April 14th, 2008

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