Concept of NBA Lottery patiently explained to Gilbert Arenas after attempted purchase of tickets

WASHINGTON, DC — NBA star Gilbert Arenas was reportedly seen in a Washington, D.C. 7-11 insisting that he had a “really good feeling” about the upcoming NBA Lottery. Displaying crossed fingers and lucky rabbit’s foot around his neck, Arenas then attempted to purchase several tickets for said lottery.

“It was pretty weird,” said Tom Anderson, the 19-year-old cashier who was faced with Arenas’ confusion. “I’m not really a big NBA guy, but at least I know what the lottery is. And I know you can’t win money from it. Sometimes you can’t even win a good player.”

Luckily, Tom recognized Arenas – as the customer who had previously bought a home pregnancy test with the intention of quizzing himself on child-birthing knowledge, so as to better assist his then-pregnant girlfriend. He calmly explained that the NBA lottery was not in fact a chance for NBA players to instantly make millions, but rather a random selection process to determine the order at the top of this summer’s NBA Draft.

“He looked at me like I was speaking French or something,” Anderson told SSNN. “Only scared – he looked scared, and he kinda looked around like he thought somebody was stalking him. Then I realized that he didn’t really understand what I meant by NBA Draft. But it’s like, seriously – how could any person be so bizarrely uninformed?”

A concerned Arenas then expressed his hope that he would not be drafted, because he is a pacifist, and “totally against going to any kind of war.” The injured superstar also suggested that perhaps he could dodge the draft by moving to Canada and playing for the Toronto Grizzlies.

Anderson says he then made a final effort to explain things with the aid of diagrams, sock puppets and an hour-long PowerPoint presentation. Arenas left, saying he understood, but his erstwhile teacher is not so sure.

“He nodded and smiled a lot during the PowerPoint thing, but I got the feeling he was just going through the motions. Then when he left, he asked if there is a gas station nearby that sells lottery tickets – and I have to assume he was talking about the NBA Lottery again, because we sell normal lotto tickets. I told him no, so I’m hoping he just went home.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!