Clemens, Bonds form support group for ostracized steroid abusers

SAN BERNARDINO, CA — The steroid scandal in baseball and performance-enhancing drug scandals in other sports have centered largely around the perpetrators of these crimes, at the expense of the victims, who have been largely ignored and marginalized.

That’s all about to change though, with the founding of the first support group for those who have been publicly humiliated by overzealous bureaucrats, meddling commissioners and nosy reporters. Former baseball greats Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds came together to provide funding for the organization, which will be based in San Bernardino, Calif.

The group’s stated mission is to “provide caring, nurturing support to those who have been unfairly ostracized by society in the wake of the recent drug scandals.” Dr. Mary Liebenstraun, a psychiatrist with the California Institute of Mental Health, will serve as the primary medical doctor, and lead group therapy.

“In the wake of all these scandals, people have forgotten about the real victims here. They have been shunned, threatened, loathed because of what some people have chosen to create and manufacture in labs,” Liebenstraun explained. “The athletes who have been victimized by these chemists and doctors need help recovering emotionally and mentally, and moving on with their lives.”

According to Liebenstraun, the group will welcome not only baseball players, but athletes from every sport whose reputations have been tarnished by allegations of performance-enhancing drug use.

“These athletes have – for some reason – been held to an unfair standard,” she went on. “They’re expected to compete at the highest level, while resisting the temptations provided by chemistry to take shortcuts on their way to the top.”

When asked who else will be joining the group, Liebenstraun said, “I’m really not supposed to say. But Marion Jones has already contacted me about joining. So has Floyd Landis. Poor little Floyd, he’s been treated so unfairly.”

When reached for comment about the group, Bonds explained that he and Clemens just wanted to be around people who understand the sort of unfair scrutiny and criticism that their behavior has somehow provoked.

“I’m a very caring, sensitive guy. Roger is very much the same. These shots we’ve taken from the press have wounded us. Deep. We’re the victims here, and we want to reach out to other victims of similarly unfortunate situations. Together we’ll form a community of mutual support and love.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!