Chiefs’ GM arrested for drafting while intoxicated

KANSAS CITY, MO — NFL fans around the league knew something had gone horribly awry when it was announced that the Kansas City Chiefs had selected punter Brian Ross from the University of Florida as their first-round pick. Roughly two days after this bizarre decision, Chiefs general manager Carl Peterson was arrested on charges of drafting while intoxicated – instantly confirming suspicion that the strange and ill-advised choice was fueled by alcohol.

Arresting officer James Hondo told SSNN that the warning signs were present very early. “He was weaving in and out of the draft, unable to steer towards a player, sideswiping several other GMs and very nearly rear-ending Dolphins’ head of football operations Bill Parcells.”

“He was in no condition to draft that day,” Parcells told SSNN. “He could have seriously hurt his team swerving around like that.”

In an emotional press conference, Peterson apologized to his family and to Chiefs fans for any lasting damage done to the organization.

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“When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember anything; but I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it wasn’t just the booze because I still felt like shit after I puked. When they told me of this terrible thing I had done to the franchise, I realized then that I had let everyone down,” Peterson told media members, as his eyes welled up with tears. “Obviously, it was my intention to draft a real player – you know, somebody that will actually have physical contact with the other team’s players.”

Terri Childs of MADD – Mothers Against Drunk Drafting – hopes that Peterson’s arrest will serve as an example to other NFL team officials that drinking and drafting don’t mix. But she fears it may not be the last time that such a horrible mistake happens.

“In the past, we’ve seen teams demolished by alcohol-related draft day decisions, be it in the form of white running backs, kickers or ill-tempered, overrated college quarterbacks,” a visibly discouraged Childs told SSNN. “How many Ryan Leafs do we have to see before people understand how important sobriety is when drafting?”