Bryant banned from Denver hotels, finds cute B&B

DENVER, CO — Kobe Bryant is accustomed to putting the load on his shoulders and turning bad situations into good ones, but for the Lakers’ two playoff wins in Denver, Bryant needed a little help turning a negative into a positive.

After landing at Denver International Airport last Friday, Phil Jackson and his Lakers arrived at the Hyatt Regency in downtown Denver only to find that their star player had been banned from staying there.

“They wouldn’t let Kobe in. There was no explanation, no apologies, nothing,” Jackson said. “Of course, we were all outraged, and made a decision as a team to switch hotels.”

Moving across the street to the Hilton Garden Inn, the Lakers found themselves in the same situation.

“They just kept saying ‘under penalty of law, we are no longer allowed to permit Mr. Bryant on our premises.’ Whatever the fuck that means,” said Lamar Odom. “They said that the team could stay there, just not Kobe. At that point everyone was getting pretty hungry, and the Hilton had a pretty bitching indoor pool, so we just decided to crash there.”

As is his nature, when the team decided to shack up for the night, Kobe grabbed his bag from the bus and headed out down the road on his own.

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Unbeknownst to the team at the time, the Denver Chamber of Commerce – led by former Eagle County District Attorney Mark Hurlbert – had called an emergency meeting late Thursday night to enact a bill that would result in a severe penalty against any Denver area hotel that housed the Laker star.

Hulbert issued a statement through the Chamber of Commerce website in which he stated, “one of the responsibilities of this organization is to ensure the safety and respectability of the city of Denver,” and that “with the added attention that hosting an NBA playoff game brings, we feel that this decision is in the best interest for all involved.”

“Plus, he fucking raped a girl on my watch,” Hurlbert went on to add. “And I’ll be damned if I let him do it again!”

As Bryant made his way down I-70, he encountered rejection after rejection at every hotel he came upon.

“I would walk up to a place with an obvious ‘Vacancy’ sign in the window, and when I’d get in, they’d tell me they had no rooms to offer,” recounted Bryant. “It was raining, and I’d been walking for about five hours when I finally came to this old bed and breakfast run by an elderly couple.”

“We had heard about the new law, but it was late and the guy looked really beaten down,” said Bert Bratkowski, the owner of the hotel. “We hadn’t had a guest in nearly a month, and we figured we were probably safe since Marge hasn’t been sexually capable since the early nineties. I guess having a gradually shrinking vagina turned out to be a blessing in disguise after all.”

In the end, Bryant was happy to have endured the ordeal, saying it was the best night’s sleep he had gotten in years. In fact, he returned to the same B&B for the stretch between games three and four.

“I couldn’t have gotten luckier. Mrs. Bratkowski made me some hot soup and ham sandwiches for dinner, and then she have gave me some warm milk just before bedtime,” a grateful Bryant said after he scored a game-high 31 points in his Lakers’ sweep-clinching victory over the Nuggets on Monday evening. “A lot of players come into a game like this a bit worn down, or lacking the sense of urgency that it takes to totally demoralize a franchise. But thanks to the Bratkowski’s hospitality, goose-down pillows and five-course breakfast, I felt more rejuvenated than I have at any point in my career.”

But even though his plan backfired, Hurlbert isn’t giving up his vendetta against No. 24. Strangely enough, he isn’t enforcing any consequences on the Bratkowski B&B, either.

“We are aware that the Bratkowski’s allowed Mr. Bryant to stay at their hotel the night before the game. While that is punishable by up to three years in jail, we have a source willing to testify that Mr. Bryant continually exposed his privates while in the presence of Mrs. Bratkowski and made lewd comments directed towards her and her husband,” Hurlbert told SSNN. “There will be justice in Colorado, this time around. Oh yes, Kobe Bryant will feel the wrath of Hurlbert. Mark my words!”