Bourn takes “green light” too literally, steals from teammates

HOUSTON, TX — Michael Bourn is out of control. What began as an innocent comment from Houston Astros manager Cecil Cooper during a spring training game has led to the creation of a thieving locker room bandit.

“We got the guy because we knew he had some speed, and early in camp it became apparent that Mike was a really gifted base stealer,” recounted Cooper. “After stealing second and third during an intrasquad game, I told him that he had a ‘green light,’ and that I expected him to steal anytime he saw the opportunity to do so. I guess I should have been more specific.”

While Bourn has followed his manager’s orders on the diamond – stealing four bases in his first six games with his new team – he has apparently carried that mindset over to his off-field activities as well.

“At first, it was just little things,” noted veteran catcher Brad Ausmus. “We started noticing missing cans of dip, bags of sunflower seeds, stuff like that. We didn’t give it much thought until our valuables started disappearing.”

“I was taking a nap, listening to my iPod Nano one day in the training room, and when I woke up it was gone,” a confused Hunter Pence told SSNN. “Two days later, someone stole Wiggy’s electric razor right out of his duffel bag. We started to get pretty weirded out after that.”

Astros players finally began to suspect Bourn of the thefts after Miguel Tejada’s “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt turned up missing from his locker.

“It was there when I went out to stretch. I come back in to take a pee and it’s not there anymore,” said Tejada. “Michael always laughs when I wear that shirt, and tells me how much he likes it. I knew it was him.”

“Yea, we started to suspect Mike after the t-shirt incident, but we just couldn’t catch the bastard. People were getting their stuff stolen left and right. Carlos Lee lost two bobbleheads out of his collection, Darrin Erstad’s entire collection of porn DVDs went missing, and for some reason he took all the family pictures that people had hanging up in their lockers,” stated Cooper. “Finally, we decided to set up a camera in the locker room to catch him in action.”

What they saw – or didn’t see, to be more precise – both amazed and disturbed the stunned members of Astros.

“Man, it was crazy. I mean we all knew he was stealing from us, but we had no idea how he kept getting away with. After watching the footage, I gotta hand it to the guy. He’s the best I’ve ever seen,” said an amazed Ty Wigginton. “He’d circle around our stuff for a few minutes, then glance up at the camera with this cocky grin on his face, and then… I don’t know, there’d be like a flash of light that would distort the view, and when the camera came back into focus, he’d be gone. And so would our stuff.”

Since they’ve been unable to catch, or even slow down the stealthy Bourn, Astros players have become resigned to the fact that they can no longer bring their personal items to the ballpark.

“All I bring is my glove,” Wiggington continued. “I don’t even take a shower after the games anymore, because he kept stealing my soap. It’s really gotten out of hand, but nobody can think of a way to stop him.”

SSNN approached Bourn to discuss the issue, and while he initially agreed, all recording devices, writing utensils, and paper had disappeared before the agreed-upon interview time.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!