Bird threatens Pacers with short shorts, mustaches

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Basketball legend and Indiana Pacers‘ executive Larry Bird wasted no time in flexing his newfound power following the departure of CEO Donnie Walsh.

Bird, the President of Basketball Operations for the Pacers, now has full control over the team and is determined to get results. Sources within the organization say Bird has threatened the team with drastic changes if they miss the playoffs again next season.

“Larry’s pretty serious about basketball, to say the least,” said a source within the Pacers’ organization who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’s sick and tired of losing. He’s made it clear that the team will not fail on his watch; and if they do, there will be grave consequences.”

The Pacers finished the recent NBA season with a record of 36-46 and missed the playoffs for the second straight year. Under Walsh, who left the Pacers to join the even more hapless New York Knicks, Indiana reached the conference finals six times in 22 years and appeared in the NBA finals in 2000. Now Bird is determined to lead Indiana back to glory.

According to the source, if the Pacers miss the playoffs in 2008-09 they will be compelled to play the entire 2009-10 season wearing short shorts and blond mustaches, similar to what Bird sported during his heyday.

“Larry wanted to make the uniform change right away,” said Pacers head coach Jim O’Brien. “He said his mojo or whatever would rub off on them. The players weren’t really down with that, to say the least – luckily I was able to talk him down a bit, and we’ll have a chance to avoid that PR disaster.”

Bird also singled out forward Jermaine O’Neal, a former All-Star who – according to SSNN’s researchers – still plays for the Pacers.

“O’Neal’s gotta average 20 and 10,” SSNN’s source said. “Otherwise, he’s gotta wear the shorts and the ’stache. And that’s even if we make the playoffs.”

According to his agent, O’Neal has already requested a trade. If his wish is not granted, O’Neal will file a grievance with the league for defamation of character.

“Can you imagine Jermaine with a blond mustache?” O’Neal’s agent said. “Not to mention those shorts. I mean, we all saw what happened when the Lakers wore them earlier this year. Wedgies are no laughing matter.”