Bill James’ head explodes; reveals he was a Cyborg

BOSTON, MA — Sabermetric analysis is the use of statistics to help analyze the game of baseball. It is a tool for talent evaluators to better understand the skill set of individual players and their teams. The data is sometimes controversial, but the point is to allow for more comprehension of the true value of a player.

Sabermetrics has slowly but surely swept across the baseball world in the last two decades. Now, the man many called the father of sabermetrics, Bill James, has died. SSNN has learned that James’ head spontaneously combusted while going over data in his office in Boston, where he worked for the Red Sox.

The shocking part of this isn’t James’ age, but what was inside his body – wires. According to a source, James was a highly advanced form of cyborg, far surpassing anything scientists thought possible. Writing on the inside of his body revealed the name – or perhaps the particular model – of the robot is “Analyzer of Statistical Studies,” or ASS.

“This certainly confirms what many people already thought,” said one baseball executive. “We kinda figured Bill was an ASS. You could just see it in him. The way he carried himself, the way he brazenly made things up and then proclaimed they were great tools of analysis, even if he wasn’t quite sure whether they worked. His personality that screamed, ‘I’m smarter than you’… All of it adds up now. He was an ASS, to a T.”

For now, James’ body will be researched in an attempt to find out where he came from, and who or what might be responsible for sending him. So, while the baseball world may be better off for having been introduced to a cyborg, the long term effects of the ASS on the game is something that everyone will have to find out together.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!