Bear survives Zambrano attack

CHICAGO, IL — The day began innocently as Carlos Zambrano, along with Cubs teammates Aramis Ramirez and Derrek Lee, took advantage of an off day to go camping and fishing at the Chain O’Lakes State Park, ninety minutes outside of Chicago.

Armed with their rods, and also their fishing equipment, the gang set off for the woods. According to the group’s joint police report, they were sitting around their campfire roasting marshmallows when an adult, male Kodiak bear entered the site.

The bear began to root around through the group’s extra provisions – which included sausages, breads and deli meats – but it was not threatening the men. Despite the bear’s passive demeanor, however, Zambrano instinctively lunged for the animal’s throat, ignoring the yells of his friends.

“He’s a crazy bastard,” Lee said. “And pretty dumb and fat; actually, I’m pretty sure he was just worried about the food. Truthfully, I was kind of hoping the bear would take a good swipe at him, like in Anchorman, so Aramis and I could quote the funny lines from the movie. We love Will Ferrell.”

When asked for his reaction to the fiasco, Ramirez could only say that he “didn’t even know there were bears in Illinois, except for the Chicago kind.”

For his part, Zambrano did not seem to have thought much about the consequences of his rash decision – or, in fact, about anything – before launching himself at the bear.

“Did I think the bear might hurt me?” Zambrano told SSNN afterwards. “No. Let me tell you what I thought. Experts say to hang your food up so bears can’t get to it, but I thought that only applied to times when you have a lot of food with you. We only had about ten or fifteen sausages, two pounds of bacon, a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, an assortment of deli meats, and just a couple other things, like apples, bananas, and a honey-glazed spiral-cut ham.

“It wasn’t that much, but I was still plenty mad. You just don’t do that. You don’t touch the good stuff. I mean, the team knows if they go near my locker of food, I bring the pain. Why should a bear be different? Especially when the bananas, which I desperately need so that I can avoid cramps without drinking water, are in question.”

The police report describes how Zambrano threw all his body weight at the bear, which, despite standing at approximately nine feet tall, 1200 pounds, easily toppled backwards. Roaring, the Cubs pitcher didn’t hesitate as he dove on top of the bear, throttling it and tearing the stolen food from between its jaws. Allegedly, he attempted a Tyson-like maneuver on an ear, but the fur proved an effective deterrent.

According to Ramirez and Lee, it was only minutes before the bear was begging for mercy, writhing in pain, and struggling to breathe under the crushing weight of the Cubs ace. When park rangers finally arrived, it took four of them to haul Zambrano away, while another two rushed to the bear’s side.

“It was really bad,” one ranger said. “The poor thing had severe rib and lung damage. He’s incredibly lucky to be alive. The next time, there might be a more gruesome result.”

The bear is expected to make a full recovery.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!