Anthony arrested for suspicion of driving under influence of Iverson

DENVER, CO — NBA All-Star Carmelo Anthony was arrested Monday morning on suspicion of driving under the influence of All-Star guard Allen Iverson.

Arresting officer Sharon Hahn gave SSNN myriad reasons for her suspecting Anthony was under the influence of the former 76er: Anthony’s car was weaving in and out of traffic; his car was full of “friends,” many of whom had been shot in the leg; and, most significantly, the young Nugget forward should have been at practice at the time of the incident.

Nuggets’ vice president Mark Warkentien says the warning signs that Anthony had a problem had been there for quite some time. “The braids were a cry for help,” he insists. According to Warkentien, other signs of distress were Anthony’s penchant for getting into brawls and a tendency to offer harsh criticism to officials.

Psychologist and Iverson dependency counselor Jake Hemphil says the problem must be addressed firmly and directly.

“Some have said that the solution is to limit a young man’s exposure to Allen Iverson, but that’s naïve,” Hemphil explained. “Iverson is everywhere – and even if they don’t experience Iverson in person, they may hang out at parties where they can be exposed to second-hand Iverson.”

Hemphil says this frightening influence has become alarmingly common over the past 12 years, and is seen in young men from all walks of life. He ads that parents should speak openly and honestly about the dangers of consuming excessive amounts of Iverson.

“Some parents may deny that they themselves had a problem, because there was no Iverson in their day,” Hemphil continued. “But they should admit it if they ingested a little Charles Barkley or Dennis Rodman. Kids need to know that even with a checkered past of exposure to NBA miscreants, it’s still possible to become a productive member of society.”

As for Anthony, if convicted he’ll be ordered to participate in a 30-day program of sobriety treatment. Former Iverson teammate Aaron McKie, who claims to be Iverson-free for nearly three years, wishes Anthony well.

“I’m tempted every once in a while, but I’m taking it one day at a time. It’s a process, but ‘Melo’s a strong young man – I think he’ll be okay.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!