Alexander forced to leave reunion

FLORENCE, KY — Members of the Class of 1998 at Boone County High School received a surprise guest at their ten-year reunion Wednesday evening.

The unsuspecting party stood frozen, paralyzed with mixed emotions as All-Pro running back Shaun Alexander entered the room with an aura of invincibility outdone only by his extravagant purple pinstripe suit and magenta tie combination. Alexander arrived at the gymnasium on the school’s campus in northern Kentucky to a crowd that featured both his biggest fans and most fervent detractors.

“After I finally stopped shaking, I got the nerve to approach Shaun. But I was so darn nervous, he must think I’m some kind of mega-dork,” twenty-eight year-old Alicia Jackson said of her encounter with the 2005 NFL MVP. “I had the biggest crush on Shaun, when he was the senior stud of the football team breaking all those state records and stuff, and I was the invisible sophomore. I even put a huge heart in red permanent marker around his yearbook picture. So for him to show up tonight out of thin air is a real thrill, believe me.”

Many of Jackson’s classmates shared her admiration for the state’s former “Mr. Football,” while others chose to use the reunion – which quickly turned into a media circus – as a public forum for ridicule and dissent.

“I think Shaun is a no-talent hack, a jerk and an injury faker; and I think I’m not alone when I say that,” Mark Lewis, who once backed up Alexander on the Rebels’ depth chart at running back before the future star departed for the University of Alabama. “What the hell is he doing here anyway? He didn’t even graduate with us; he’s two years older. And what in God’s name is he wearing?”

A standout student-athlete at Boone County from 1992-96, Alexander missed his own reunion shortly after his single season touchdown record-breaking season of 2005, when he agreed to appear on the cover of the immensely successful video game, Madden ‘07. One year later, Alexander again failed to attend the reunion, albeit the wrong class, because he reportedly decided to embark on a lavish outback safari vacation with the money from his newly signed, eight-year, $62 million contract.

However, sources within the Boone County Athletic Department told SSNN that Alexander’s absence at last year’s reunion was actually due to a fractured fourth metatarsal in the pro-bowler’s left foot, sustained in Week 3 of the 2006 season.

Alexander’s third attempt Wednesday seemed to be the charm. In fact, the Seahawk runner spent the night enjoying himself so much – mainly in the company of adoring female companions – that he was forced out of the gym by an angry band of jealous male observers, led by a furious Lewis.

“That’s bullshit, man; we can’t have Shaun come in and take all of our women. It’s bad enough he’s at the wrong reunion, now he’s trying to steal the best part. The girls are the one reason why we all came,” an exhausted but victorious Lewis said, after he and his throng of cohorts successfully drove Alexander and his bodyguards into the parking lot. “You think I give a damn what everyone is doing nowadays? I already know; I see these people almost everyday. This is Florence, Kentucky – we don’t have room for some hotshot NFL MVP flashing his bling and hundred dollar bills all over the place.”

Lewis insisted that it isn’t bitterness over their diverging lifestyles that made him upset with Shaun. He says he “could’ve played in the NFL if I really wanted to,” and simply chose a different path.

“I have never regretted my decision to take the manager position at the area Wal-Mart, and I’m not going to stand here and have some has-been demean my accomplishments. I never liked Shaun Alexander back when he was making me carry his pads around, and if it’s possible, I hate him even more after tonight.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!