Zambrano sees “An Inconvenient Truth,” goes green

CHICAGO, IL — Carlos Zambrano had some free time on Thursday, so he popped An Inconvenient Truth into his MacBook Air to kill some time. The results may have changed his life.

“Global warming is real, man,” a visibly distraught Zambrano told SSNN. “The climate crisis is no joke. And we can’t just sit back and destroy the earth for our kids. At least, I won’t.”

Zambrano came to the Cubs clubhouse early Friday, armed with his new knowledge, and immediately set about making the Cubs “green.”

“Well, first off, there were like a hundred cases of soda and red bull and stuff like that,” Zambrano said. “I bought a giant recycling bin for the clubhouse, and I emptied out all 2,734 cans and recycled them. So that was a start. There was also a lot of paper lying around – the coaching staff has a lot of records and pitch charts and scouting reports. So I was able to recycle those, and that probably saved a couple of trees. I was going to buy those flourescent light bulbs as well, but do you have any idea how expensive they are? Prohibitively, I’d say.”

Zambrano said the greening of the clubhouse is only the beginning of his plan.

“We must be conscious of our carbon footprints,” Zambrano said. “Our actions have consequences. I have informed the Cubs that I will no longer be attending any road trips, nor will I be playing in any home games that take place at night and require artificial lighting. The beautiful, golden shining sun is all the light that Carlos Zambrano needs.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!