Zambrano forgot to work out in offseason

MESA, AZ — The Cubs are furious with pitcher Carlos Zambrano after it became clear that he had not worked out even one time since last season.

“I am embarrased to say that I simply forgot to work out this offseason,” Zambrano told reporters. “No throwing. No running. No lifting. I didn’t even get a Nintendo Wii. I honestly just sort of sat around for the last four months – I mean, baseball didn’t really cross my mind.”

The Cubs became aware that something might be amiss when the big pitcher showed up at camp weighing significantly more than he did last season.

“After the first sprint, Carlos came and told me he was going to hit the showers, and that that was enough for today,” said manager Lou Piniella. “I said, ‘Carlos, we’ve got you scheduled to throw 80 pitches today.’ He started laughing and said ‘Good one,’ and then he went home.”

Despite his admitted off-season slacking, Zambrano is adamant that he will be ready for the season.

“I am always ready for the season,” Zambrano said. “Two years ago, I forgot about spring training entirely – just didn’t show up. And I was still awesome. Forgetting to exercise is nothing.”

Still, though, Zambrano was upset to have become a distraction to the team.

“I sort of don’t know how it happened,” he said. “One day I’m going home for the offseason and the next day I’m flying to Arizona, and I’m like, ‘Oh, shit, I think I forgot something.’”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!