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News Item

Yankees announce plan to annex Quebec

TAMPA, FL — “Sacre bleu!” was the cry of a jubilant Hank Steinbrenner at a morning press conference, when the New York Yankees Chairman announced the organization’s plans to annex the Canadian province of Quebec. The move is the latest escalation in the contest between the Yankees and the Boston Red Sox over who really owns the hearts of Americans.

“We were originally thinking of just snapping up Montreal, but it’s sorta like once we’re there we might as well grab the whole province. Annexing Quebec gives us a whole new base of fans,” Steinbrenner explained. “We already own New York and New Jersey, so Quebec seemed to be the next logical step.”

Since taking over for his father George several months ago, Hank Steinbrenner has engaged in a heated war of words with the Red Sox over whether the United States is actually Red Sox Nation or Yankee Country. Steinbrenner seemed strangely certain that acquiring a Canadian province would help win the debate.

“This does two things for us,” Steinbrenner said. “In addition to simply increasing the body count in Yankee Country, we now have the Red Sox flanked on both sides.”

Later Steinbrenner confirmed that the team had acquired a fleet of biplanes to tow propaganda banners over Boston. He also denied reports that he wears a large black helmet that covers his head and face in private, as had been rumored in Boston.

Upon hearing the news of the deal, Quebec’s governor called the move outrageous. He reportedly continued speaking, but everyone had stopped listening and there is no record of what was said.

President Bush, when asked about the deal during a Rose Garden ceremony, expressed a very different sentiment – “Everyone knows them Canadians have good pitchers, it seems like a logical deal to me.”

The Red Sox organization officially had no comment on the news. SSNN was unable to confirm rumors that owner John Henry and GM Theo Epstein are negotiating a claim on the waters off Long Island.

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Labels: Boston Red Sox, Canada, George W. Bush, Hank Steinbrenner, John Henry, MLB, New York Yankees, Red Sox Nation, Theo Epstein

Posted on March 6th, 2008

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