Woods seeks to renegotiate pact with Satan after disappointing loss

DORAL, FL — After a disappointing fifth-place finish in the CA Championship at Doral, Tiger Woods has reportedly been seen at the crossroads, seeking out Old Harry (a.k.a. the Devil) in hopes of renegotiating the details of their 1996 pact.

Joining him on the trip to the crossroads was his agent Mike Steinberg, who expressed great disappointment in Beelzebub’s failure to comply with the initial agreement.

“Frankly, we’re not happy with Satan’s performance. We’ve been very clear in our demands: in exchange for Tiger’s eternal soul, we’ve requested complete domination of the world of professional golf, plus a really big spider made entirely of gold,” Steinberg explained. “The spider thing was cool, but we feel that Tiger’s lackluster finish at Doral constitutes a breach of contract.”

Satan, despite claims of dubious ethics, has a long and rich history of deal-making in the sports world, having previously brokered pacts with such luminaries as Babe Ruth, Richard Petty and the 1980 US Olympic hockey team. But according to Woods, the Devil’s time as a major player may have run its course.

“If Satan can’t deliver what we need, it may be time to move on to someone who can,” Woods told SSNN. “And yeah, that golden spider was really cool – but what’s a giant, shining arachnid without the thrill of victory?”

Others in the sports world have echoed the sentiment that Satan may be past him prime as a soul trader. Jeffrey Jordan, walk-on at University of Illinois and son of basketball legend Michael Jordan, said his deal with the Devil has gone awry, too.

“My dad recommended him highly, but I’ve been pretty disappointed with the results of our bargain so far,” the young Jordan said. “He assured me I’d play for a major-conference program, but I’m not sure Illinois really counts at this point, especially since I’m paying my own way. Also he puts some weird stuff in the fine print.”

Satan could not be reached for comment at press time.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!