Waitress says Clemens is terrible tipper

HOUSTON, TX — A waitress is furious after she claimed Roger Clemens left her a vial of an unidentified substance instead of cash for a tip. Twenty-two year-old Sara Nelson, an employee of a Houston-area TGI Friday’s, says Clemens ate a prolonged dinner at the restaurant Mar. 1, and in the process racked up a tab that Nelson said easily exceeded $200.

“The bill could have been a lot more-like $500-if my manager didn’t subtract so many of items because Mr. Clemens kept bitching that nothing tasted right,” Nelson said, venting her frustration. “I’m sorry, but when you taste five different entrées before you find one you like, you’re a snooty bastard; and you probably shouldn’t be eating at TGIF’s, anyway. You should be eating at some upscale place that’s willing to put up with your bullshit. He even complained that the 10 beers he drank didn’t taste ‘alcoholly’ enough. It’s like, ‘Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Clemens – you want me to go across the street to the import liquor store and get you a fucking Chimay? Go to hell!’ You know?”

Nelson told SSNN that the man with whom Clemens dined was clearly embarrassed by the seven-time Cy Young award winner’s actions.

“The other man was very polite. You could tell he felt bad about Roger being such a jackass,” Nelson recalled. “I didn’t catch his name, but he had a really sweet face. And what I would have to describe as a shockingly pronounced ass chin.”

According to Nelson, Clemens’ companion spent a majority of the time with his face buried in his hands, and even tried to compensate the young waitress for her troubles with what she called “a significant amount of cash” just prior to the end of the meal.

“When he tried handing me a bundle of twenty-dollar bills, Mr. Clemens swiped the money, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette with it. They weren’t even sitting in the non-smoking section. Then he put it out in his ice cream sundae.”

When she returned from disposing of the sundae in the alley behind the restaurant, Nelson arrived at Clemens’ table just in time to see him emptying his pockets onto the table. And, perhaps worst of all, the Rocket left no cash tip.

“The son-of-a-bitch paid the bill to the exact cent – with nickels, dimes and pennies,” Nelson fumed. “Then he noticed a little vial in the pile of change on the table, and he goes, ‘A little something extra for you.’ But then I swear I heard him say, ‘I probably shouldn’t have this on me anyway.’”

Nelson said she assumed that the bottle was filled with something tremendously valuable, “like liquid gold or something,” but was disappointed to find out that the substance was in fact HGH – and therefore not only far less valuable than liquid gold, but actually illegal.

“He’s like a quadrillionaire or something; how’s he gonna stiff me like that? All he did was complain the whole time he was here, and what do I get out of it? A little bottle of illegal water. It’s bullshit.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!