Twins manager Gardenhire falls irrationally in love with Monroe

FORT MYERS, FL — Twins manager Ron Gardenhire ended weeks of speculation by declaring his irrational love for outfielder/designated hitter Craig Monroe yesterday evening. Monroe joins infielder Nick Punto and starting pitcher Livan Hernandez on the list of active players that Gardenhire irrationally loves.

The declaration was made to reporters from the bar at a Bennigan’s in Cape Coral, Florida, where Monroe, Gardenhire and Punto were having a few beers and splitting a Bennigan’s Best Sampler after an 8-3 toagainst the Toronto Blue Jays.

“You’re my boy for life now, Craigsy. Do you hear me? For life,” a visibly emotional Gardenhire said, mouth half-full of potato skins. “There is no way I would ever let an up-and-coming left fielder/designated hitter like Jason Kubel get in the way of letting you start between 140 and 180 games this summer.”

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When Monroe politely informed him that a major league season consists of only 162 games, Gardenhire replied, “Well, however many.”

Gardenhire then stood up and bought a round for everyone in the Bennigan’s, and announced that people should thank Monroe for the round rather than him, because “it’s not me who’s buying you all a drink, it’s my love for Craigsy that’s buying this one.”

Earlier in the day, Monroe had gone 1 for 4 with a two-out, RBI double. Today’s post-game announcement ensures that Monroe’s half-decent performance in one game will cause Gardenhire to remain blissfully unaware of ominous signs that the thirty-one year old’s steadily declining power has bottomed out.

Hernandez, the losing pitcher who gave up 9 hits and 6 runs over 4 innings – but will nevertheless be the Twins opening day starter – had conflicting dinner plans, but his “presence was definitely missed,” according to Gardenhire.

“Gardy is one loyal dude,” said Punto, who batted .210 with one home run and only 25 RBIs in 2007 despite 472 at bats as the Twins’ regular third-baseman.

“I remember the day he fell in love with me like it was yesterday,” Punto continued. “A few years ago, I accidentally slid head-first into first base, barely getting thrown out on a little tapper back to the pitcher. Where I come from, sliding head first into first base is a huge mistake. So I was ready to pack my bags and head back to the family farm when all of a sudden Gardy runs up to me, gives me a huge hug and tells me I’m a ‘grinder.’ Hopefully you got some incentives in your contract, Craig, because you’re gonna get a lot of at bats this year.”

Monroe’s contract does in fact have millions of dollars in at-bat-based performance bonuses.

“Man, what a great place to finish out the long, slow decline of a mediocre career,” said Monroe. “I think I’m gonna fit in just fine here.”